Battle of Dincertizax

The Battle of Dincertizax.

"Mmm, mmm, mmm, algae for dinner," shouted Herzelez, "follow my Eccles
cake and custard? Yummy!" It was his favourite, and well deserved after
a long day fighting off the Hungmina Warriors of Gohinds. He had
slaughtered 16 of their horses, by reversing their saddles, causing the
Gohinds to ride them backwards into a tank. This of course had
disastrous results.
"Marmalade fingers with your cancer, dear?" asked Gerfiana from the
kitchen. She was a loving a wife as you could hope for, at least in
their hometown of Dincertizax, where the policy of marriage rites
forced husbands to be respectful and decent, a government view widely
criticised by most of the Pigheads in the town.
"Marmalade would be fine thanks." The Pighead were the underground
resistance in Dincertinax, but only received 162 votes in the last
election, due to the fact that the Liberation of Monkeys Party were
giving out free mohair phone-cords with every secured vote. Herzelez
and Gerfiana had long resisted involving the family in any politics,
but still felt the call to butcher Hungminas. It was a national duty; a
chance to give something back to the country after it took so much off
them. Despite the Pigheads' valiance in the face of respectability,
they left their beaten wives and headed north, to fight on the
frontline. Those who arrive late were placed in the middle line, back
left, just a little off centre.
Herzelez swore, quite often as well, which Gerfiana was always
scolding him for, by repeated whippings, using rhubarb stalks. Yet he
still swore that he would never join the Pigheads, even if they had
earned the privilege of double rations of fluff by joining the war. He
would fight in the Special Crackforce, an operation specialising in the
destruction of transport. Although rumoured to have accidentally caused
the great Trainline Meltdown of 2006, when the melon launcher backfire,
Herzelez thought that the Crackforce was the place for him. There, men
loved their wives, real men instead of the Pigheads or the Hungminas,
who spat on their lovers and stole their handbags so that they could
dance around them. This was what the war was about, real issues, the
right for women to live and dance freely, instead of having to use
plastic carrier bags weighted down with draft manifestos of the Monkey
Party as an alternative.
"Everything alright dear?" inquired Gerfiana as Herzelez turned blue
under the dining table. She was so caring and considerate. They would
be together forever.
"This algae!" gasps Herzelez, clutching at her legs for support, half
noticing the smoothness of them between blackouts.
"Yes, dear?" Gerfiana wondered if Herzelez had been working too hard.
The Hungminas were clever people to fight against, whose women could
sweep roadways telepathically.
"Its...its...poisoned!"

***

Sergeant Gopopi was having a bad day. He had just watched a number of
horses gallop straight under a tank, taking along with them the lives
of fourteen Gohinds. The two survivors, Konewed and Kitwony, were
recovering in the medical tent, each having suffered reversed pelvises
and paranoid zip syndrome, a widely spread condition in the trenches.
These lives would have to be revenged as a matter of manliness and
honour.
The Hungminans had always been at war with the town of Dincertizax,
very since two politicians were found in a barrel together. Neither of
them could remember how this came about, but each blamed the other.
This sparked the scandal known as Barrelgate. So after a brief round of
talks, war was declared. The two cities was only five yards apart,
separated by a rubbish bin, which was alternatively emptied by the two
mayors every month as a mark of respect to each other. However, the war
was now in its thirteen year, and the rubbish had grown to the size of
Everest. Pity the soldiers who had to fight in this no man's land of
old newspapers, broken glass and banana skins. Three thousand and two
men had died just from slipping.
Gopopi got up from his marshmallows and went to visit Konewed and
Kitwony. The surgeons had managed to twist their pelvises back, but
could do nothing about the zips. Button fly pants would have to be
issued.
"Well Doc, how are they?"
"Very well. We have restrained their hands and clamped their
backs."
"What for?"
"Shock. Any sudden movement and they could lose control of their
shins." Gopopi was always impressed with medical science, and had long
desired to become a doctor. But he was a fighting man. His wife, the
road sweeper, knew that.
Outside the tent, just two rubbish piles away, the Heavily Armed
Branch of the Hungmina Warriors was having a fierce fruit fight with
the Dincertizax Special Crackforce. Gopopi waited until the doctor had
left before entering the ward. He found two large black bags alongside
two smaller ones. These contained two bodies, ad their respective
heads. Two things were clear to Gopopi: one, that Konewed and Kitwony
were certainly dead; two, that the doctor was mad, and would have to be
dismissed. Things were serious.

***

Herzelez writhed on the dining room floor, clutching his feet as his
shoes were too tight, while dying of food poisoning. Gerfiana, once she
realised that Herzelez was not doing his famous impression of a Tory
Peer, had tried to pump his stomach, but couldn't find the
plunger.
"Who, who, who did this?" was all that Herzelez could mutter as his
death rattle came upon him. Gerfiana would have like him to declare his
undying love for her, but as he was actually dying, this didn't seem
fitting. Instead, she consoled herself with his tattoo of the both of
them on holiday at Margate.
"CRRRK." There it was, the rattle. Gerfiana could only do one thing:
phone the Special Crackforce and tell them that her Herz would not be
going to work tomorrow. The Crackforce, after discussions involving
custard creams, swore revenge. It must have been the Hungminas.

***

Morale at Pighead Head Quarters was fluctuating daily. Although
essentially both themselves and the Special Crackforce were fighting on
the same side, they could not agree on the important issues of the day.
The Crackforce belonged to a moral majority, in which husbands and
wives were equal. The Pigheads, seen as an immoral minority, still
championed spousal abuse. The women Pigheads had no say in the matter.
Even the Liberation of Monkeys party was against them. The only faction
that agreed with their policies was the Hungminas, who they were
slaughtering.
To Captain Bippion, the solution seemed obvious; but then again, most
Pigheads lacked any resourceful imaginations. They would switch sides
to ally the Hungminas, and stand as one united front against those who
sought to take away their 'right' to strike at their partners. No one
really remembered the Barrelgate incident anyone; they were just
fighting because neither side wanted to lose. Therefore, a new cause
for chaos would be launched- SpousalAbusegate.
Just as Bippion was about to bring his proposal to his superiors, a
messenger entered his tent.
"Captain, captain, great news!" Bippion turned, and slipped with
excitement.
"What is it boy?"
"The Hungimas, after careful consideration, have announced that they
will politely stop fighting if the residents of Dincertizax cleans up
all the rubbish between the two towns. We've won!" Bippion's mandible
dangled in astonishment.
"No?no, we must continue, the war must go on?for the sake of our
people, we must fight on?Go, you're dismissed!"
This latest development had blown Bippion's plans apart. He had
already contacted a sergeant in one of the Hungmina regiments called
Gopopi, who was interested in his ideas, but wished to test out
Bippion's trustworthiness. He had therefore asked that Bippion
assassinate a Crackforce leader who had destroyed his horses and made a
mess of one of the army's tanks. Everything was set up for the union to
begin. Why had the Hungminas decided to surrender now?

***

It turned out that Gerfiana had pledged to honour the memory of her
husband soon after his death, appropriately enough. Therefore, she
began to work hand in hand with the Monkey Liberation party, convincing
them that monkeys were not being secretly held in captivity by the
government, and that the liberation of women was a far greater concern.
Herzelez's contacted at the Crackforce arranged for a considerable
donation towards this movement, setting up the Herzelez Memorial Trust
Fund for Battered and Bruised Wives, otherwise known as the Anti-Pig
Movement.
The movement found strong support with underground feminists in
Hungmina and wives of Pigheads. Without the wives to telepathically
sweep the roads, the Hungminas crumpled under their own rubbish.
Gopopi's own wife eventually left him to become the movement's campaign
manager, leaving Gopopi seeking a new life in Mexico, running a chip
shop with Bippion, the disgraced ex-Pighead.
The Pigheads began to see what happened to the Hungminas, and dropped
their policy on wife beating, in fear of losing their partners. Each
husband was made to enrol in a special 'Husbands, know your role'
training scheme. Peace had returned to Dincertizax, and everyone had,
with everyone having algae and eccles cake to celebrate, in honour of
Herzelez. Gerfiana went on to become the new mayor of the town, and all
the rubbish was eventually recycled.