The first time I came around,
I learnt about pain;
I learnt about pleasure,
but I squandered the hours,
the days, weeks, months and years
gratifying the basest of my primal desires.
The second time I came around,
I learnt about hubris;
I learnt about humility
but I defied all I’d learnt;
became the product of my egotism,
preaching to all when I should have been silent.
The third time I came around,
I tried to be better,
I tried to be simpler and purer.
Instead I spent far too much time
congratulating myself for being good.
I let vanity and pride overwhelm everything.
The fourth time I came around,
I yearned for paradise;
searched the world for its gates.
I wasted an entire lifetime
without ever finding the right path
when it was beneath my feet all the time.
The fifth time I came around,
I sat and watched the world.
I let it drift past my eyes and mind
without feeling any sadness or joy,
without feeling pity or any emotion,
except a deep rooted, unexplainable smugness.
The sixth time I came around,
I learnt about anger;
I learnt about passion.
I raged at the powers that be,
ranted at the very moon and the stars
without understanding where my anger lay.
But the seventh time I came around,
I recalled all I’d seen,
and every excursion to the pit.
I forgave myself the wrongs I’d done,
and I gave away all I had to the world,
then let the heavens take me away forever more.
Comments
jennifer | March 10, 2009 - 08:22
Majestic and saddening. I really enjoyed this, the patterns rise and fall in such a soothing way!
Just to note that 'it’s' is never used as a possessive.
J x
Dynamaso | March 10, 2009 - 09:06
Jen,
Thanks for your comment and for the grammatic correction. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much I look at something, the bleeding obvious still goes undetected, bugger it all.
Ewan | March 10, 2009 - 09:14
I think that happens to everyone. There are people on here to whom I would send my submissions for proof-reading, though - and that is the great advantage of ABC, you can run your shorter material past some eagle-eyed readers.
jennifer | March 10, 2009 - 10:06
It's always easier to spot mistakes in other people's writing!
J x
Dynamaso | March 10, 2009 - 11:23
Ewan, good to know. I am amazed sometimes at how I miss 'em.
Spot on, Jen. Still blows me away, though. Can't believe the things I miss. Thanks again.
threeleafshamrock | March 10, 2009 - 18:48
Great stuff D. This piece quite literally says it all. Its haunting and emotive; certainly makes one think - especially given that we only get one time round (as far as I know). Well done; a serious write that really works!
Chris :)
jennifer | March 10, 2009 - 19:19
It's fine in writing. It's when I make mistakes in life that issues arise.
Like when I say the wrong word to students, such as 'books' when I mean 'bags'...and confuse them totally...
...or realise that I must have put the milk in the cupboard when the Crunchy Nut won't fit in the door of the fridge...
J x
Dynamaso | March 10, 2009 - 23:02
Chris, thanks mate. This piece has been floating around in the back of my mind for some time. My spirituality is based more on Buddhist philosophies than anything else so the principal of mindfulness is something I try hard to practice. This piece has become a bit of a study for me in this respect.
Jen, hahahah... I know exactly what you mean. My wife has this look she gives me when I've said something completely arse-about. But I imagine kids (and fridge space) would be a lot less forgiving.
MistakenMagic | March 11, 2009 - 16:43
I agree with Jen, the structure and rhythm give the piece a very soothing quality. I think the fifth stanza is my favourite!
Magic xxx
Dynamaso | March 11, 2009 - 23:03
Thanks again for reading and commenting Magic. Much appreciated :)
mikepyro | March 12, 2009 - 04:17
sorry I been absent from reviewing your work for so long dynamaso. I must say this was a fantastic work. it's very moving and profound in vision and tone. you never allow the work to run away and escape to a land of melodrama. you keep the work grounded in reality, where it should be.
yeah sure, there are a few rough patches, what everyone else has brought up, but you give a wonderful depth and emotive flare to the work.
great job, my friend.
Dynamaso | March 12, 2009 - 22:28
Mike, thanks for your considered comments, mate. As for the rough patches, well this mirrors life, doesn't it. Hopefully, as in life, the rough patches help build character into the piece.