A letter to China

Dear President of China,

Now first off, let me just say that you are a brilliant man. You have been able to take businesses and companies where America could never dream too; basements of old buildings with 5 year old children. If America were not so pussy to do that we might be able to come out of the recession we’re in. Also you guys understand the concept of “living within your means.” People over in China live off of about a dollar a day…and they still cope! There’s people in America who make fucking 8.75 an HOUR (minimum wage in the state of Connecticut…you’ve probably never heard of that state, the only thing that comes out of there is Viagra and submarines) and STILL try to live above their means. Not everyone can go to the moon, just like how not everyone can comfortably live out their lives until 90…some people just don’t get it! My only hope is that one day America can become as advanced as China has been for ages!
But there is a serious dilemma that I need to address with you, and no it is not the fact that you eat dogs, for I enjoy sushi every once in a while! But it has to do with your exports. I know you guys are like exporting masters. You guys are basically the Al Pacino of exports while America is the Keannu Reeves. But don’t you think you guys are starting to get a little lazy? I know everyone has their peak performance and then it’s just all downhill…but your descent is rather rapid; sort of like how Metallica hit their peak at “Master of Puppets” and then every CD directly after that until present is worse than David Hasselhoff’s Alcoholism. But this descent isn’t about just crappy listening or something people can just not give a shit with.
It all started in 2007, when there were 600,000 toys recalled in the United States for traces of led, with all of the toys coming from China. Now I know that led is embraced over in China as a form of population control, but over in America unfortunately it is frowned upon by everyone, including the Supreme Court. Now I know, everyone makes mistakes. I remember one time my friend mistook an iPod shuffle (old version) for a pregnancy test and went the next 4 months thinking she was pregnant. Shit happens!
But here’s the thing, we would’ve just all gotten a beer together and laugh off this near-deadly mistake. For it was no big deal. But it just wasn’t 2007. The very next year you guys gave us over ONE MILLION led infested toys. Now I got concerned when I heard this. Because most of your workers are children and usually after you beat them once they shape up right quick (That’s against the law here in America…probably the biggest reason we don’t have child labor). But the problem only got worse. The amount of toys with led got bigger and bigger…until toys weren’t our only concern…and neither was the led.
In 2008 China decided to step up their not giving two shits and leave the industry of leaded toys (and by that I mean they kept the leaded toys and expanded their horizons) and in 2009 hit the CAR INDUSTRY. 3.8 million Toyota cars (a Chinese company) were recalled that one year for led. Could you imagine going to the clinic and telling the doctor your dick got led poisoning because of that one Tuesday night???? Now I and the rest of America (with the exception of the consumers after Black Friday) were able to let your miss-haps on the toys slide…after all it would only retard our kids, not ourselves. But look at who drives cars; 16 year olds and older! Now if you could make it so that the only cars with led are driven by people 65 years or older, I wouldn’t mind so much. But Jesus Christ you could be killing those who actually matter, and that is where I put my foot down. But no, you just had to go farther.

Now it’s obvious that Japan has you guys beaten in the pornography business. It’s hard to beat out such things as the tentacles and bukake. But as business goes competition is one of the best things. It’s what makes business grow. But there’s always a limit. When “Man Vs. Wild” on the Discovery Channel needed some competition, they tried to up the ante with “Man Woman Wild.” But that was taking it too far cause as everyone knows, there no place in the outdoors for women. I feel you might have overstepped the line on this one; by putting Rohypnol in your toys and cars. In case you do not know the actual terminology, they are known as “roofies” or “the date rape drug.” Now the reason this is a problem is because believe it or not; those Japanese pornos that depict rape are scripted and planned out….it’s not actual rape. Now this is an easy mistake, as the first time I saw them I thought they were real and then did whatever I could to try to re-enact those scenes with my (now ex-) girlfriends, bosses, and teachers. But once you realize that 1. Those movies are cartoons and 2. There is nothing erotic about a real animal with tentacles….you see how fake those movies are. Now here’s the difference between you and Japan….you are actually creating rape. You are giving every guy (and woman, but mostly men) the opportunity to have some chick pass out in their car and get raped. Now the problem here is that this is illegal, and it’s not China that will be paying the crimes, it will be blamed on the guy. This is wrong. And this is my problem with the roofies.
But I must admit I am proud of you for this. This is because it actually shows that you started to give at least 2 shits, and even though there are infestations of the led and the not giving a shit, you have started to show promise of fixing the problem. So while I am disappointed in you, you have not lost my respect.
Now I hope that you can see this not as an angry letter, but as one from a concerned citizen who only cares, and that you can learn from your fuck-ups and press forward. You have a very bright future ahead of you (well not literally, all the smog sort of prevents that), and I would hate to see this all get lost over something as miniscule as led or date rape. I am also hoping that once these mishaps come to pass America will finally be able to see just how brilliant businesses are over there and adapt some of the same work ethics as China does…because truthfully we’re not really getting anywhere with elementary school. So please think about what I’ve said today, because if you decide to work with us, I got a 5 year old cousin who can be over there in 9 and a half hours.

Respectively,
Chris Magro