Dear Me,
I cannot call
you names, though
there were some
even then
for women
like you.
Lucky boy!
Go careful.
Dear Me!
Left you then? No
surprise, I
saw it all
coming with
hindsight clear
as gin.
Get up! Do
go careful.
Dear Me
no! Not what I
meant at all
Can't you take
advice boy!
Look at this
mess! Why
didn't we
go careful?
Comments
jennifer | November 11, 2008 - 14:10
I really enjoyed the doubleness of this phrase:
'I
saw it all
coming with
hindsight clear
as gin.'
Superb!
Not sure about the last stanza however, doesn't quite hang together for me the way the rest of the poem does.
J x
Ewan | November 12, 2008 - 08:26
Thanks for reading, Jen.
Did you find that the voice had changed? Sounded more like a hectoring, older person? The kind of person I know I become more like everyday. Was it the stanza itself that you felt was at fault? It is supposed to be quite different to the other two.
I like the idea of giving myself advice from across the bridge of time, but know I would lose patience with the stupidity of my younger self. Of course, both people in the conversation are me - so naturally the inclusive we is supposed to show that, really, I know whose fault it is!
What a lot of explanation! That tells you how successful the poem was! LOL
Ewan
jennifer | November 13, 2008 - 19:50
Now I get it. Yes, it works, but it does (for me) require that explanation - otherwise it's too cryptic.
Perhaps there is a way to rewrite it to make it slightly more obvious for the, shall we say 'blonder' reader?