I’ve never kissed a cousin
-not like that, I mean-
I snogged a quasi-relly
once, by the name of ‘Auntie’ Jean.
She'd bunked off convent school with mum
in another decade’s clothes;
they'd double-dated at the flicks
and danced 'til the discos closed.
A wedding party, double drunk,
we held each other up
smooching in the corner:
‘an old dog with a pup’
they said, I really didn’t mind:
‘cos I was only seventeen,
and she'd stopped at thirty nine.
Comments
Doeslittle | February 29, 2008 - 20:06
I really liked this. It made me laugh and I thought it had a good rhythm to it. The rhythm was so effective that I wondered if it should be 'by the name of Auntie Jean' and that that would fit better. Similarly, in the last stanza I fell out of rhythm with the last line, but then that could just be me and how I read it.
Ewan | March 1, 2008 - 09:20
You know, I took 'by' out and put it back a lot of times, and took 'and' out of the last line a few times too. Since you recommend it, I'll put them back.
Thanks for taking the time to read and for some concrete feedback.
Ewan
Sooz006 | March 1, 2008 - 16:33
I hated the Rose Royce line. It felt too cheesy and 'clever' but not effortlessly clever if you know what I mean. Other than that Great. It's one of those that gets behind you and pushes you along. I stumbled a bit on the last line too, but the rest of the rhythum worked really well.