An Idle Preference

Hi Ewan this is a very interesting good piece, but I think you can make it much better. My problem is the verb 'like'. There are three of them.

here are my ideas:

Some people fancy bright noon,
sun high in cerulean sky.
Others like night - might
enjoy the pinprick stars
and the sullen moon.
I prefer the twilight,
and the red of dawn and dusk:
the mulberry staining of the sky
and the mountains,
as if the earth itself is glowing
or the magma's showing through.

A good read.
cheers

Yes, I know what you're saying: I tried it with synonyms before I posted it, and didn't like the way the extra syllables affected the rhythm when I read it out. I do like the prefer before twilight. I'll think about it.

There; I thunked about it... It's better, I hope.

It's better without three 'like'. But you wouldn't have needed to find a synonym for the second one, had you (for syllable's sake) said

Some fancy bright noon.

Right?

Take - I guess - is fine. But fancy - like - prefer sounds to me more natural.

Wonderful last lines, they make the poem rather special.

Fancy is suitable for those who don't like night, don't enjoy the sullen moon. It's livelier.

The poem is superb, especially the vocab (cerulean evokes painting, mulberry of course finger staining fruit) but I have a different quibble - you have these lovely internal rhymes going on through most of the piece, but the last few lines seem bereft without the continuation of this phoneticism (do I need a 'sic' here?!).

J x

Hi Jen, I did want a change of pace towards the end. Do you sense a change of tone at the end at all? 'Bereft' is an interesting word to use: in my tiny little mind {:-)}I think the ending is downbeat, more prosaic and that 'bereft'-ness (sic) might be appropriate?

Yes I suppose, I do get tangled up in rhymes...it may well be a flaw...

J x

Well, I missed the early versions, but I love what's left. It's always impressive to create so many images in such a short piece - my favourite being - 'the mulberry staining of the sky'. Lovely.