I’ll watch until the end credits read ‘best boy’:
you’ll phone your friends with the hero
hanging from the cliff.
You’ll remember every birthday - even
my mother’s - although I don’t think
you even like her.
You’d watch celebrities dance out of the jungle:
I’d rather watch the radio if
it wasn’t switched on.
We choose our Christmas presents blindfold from Argos
Catalogue, but you use the
index and I don’t.
I look at you and remember that I love you
being something other than
what I think I want.
Comments
Lorraine_Mace | December 5, 2007 - 21:37
www.lorrainemace.com
I like this a lot. Not sure the final verse is as good as the rest, it's just slightly awkward in the phrasing, but I still enjoyed the poem as a whole.
Lorraine_Mace | December 6, 2007 - 09:21
www.lorrainemace.com
I look at you and remember that I love you
though you’re nothing like what I
think I really want.
I look at you and remember that I love you
for not trying to be what I
think I really want.
Just a suggestion, but it seems to scan better. Ignore me, or burn an effigy, if I've offended you.
Ewan | December 6, 2007 - 09:38
no offence taken, naturally... hmm still not quite right. The count's right but, it just doesn't scan, hit the rhythm, whatever you want to call it. Last go and then consigned to oblivion with all the nearly 'pomes.'
Lorraine_Mace | December 6, 2007 - 09:41
www.lorrainemace.com
Much better and it works for me. I'm going to send this one to the forums with our new super-duper link so that it gets a wider read.
Locke | December 12, 2007 - 09:28
Mutabor!
I like 'blindfold from Argos...' a lot.
I'd keep the ending as it is, though. What Lorraine suggests has its merits, but it's too clever and destroys matter-of-factness of the whole thing.
nice to see you back on track.
LL