We are who we are
By fab3222
- 275 reads
ACT ONE
Fade in:
EXT. zoo - Sunday - morning
The Dunphy family walks through the local zoo lead by Claire. Behind her is Phil, holding a tripod. Claire looks strangely determined while Hailey and Alex are annoyed. Claire stops in front of the Zebra cage at the zoo.
Claire
OK Phil, so I think if we place the tripod here and you stand there, we can block out the cage and the sign.
Haley
(To Claire)
Are we seriously doing this in public?
ALEX
Yeah. What if our friends are here?
HALEY
Our friends? Only your loser friends would be here on a Sunday.
Alex
(To Haley)
I would get used to the zoo if I were you. After all, a couple more years and you'll be the one behind bars.
CLAIRE
Girls, relax. I doubt any of your friends are here.
Alex points at the Lions cage where Haley's friends are.
HALEY
Oh my God!
Phil
Mi ladies, mi ladies do not fear Phil Dunphy is here. (To Claire) Sorry Honey, I think I am going to have to take commander on this one.
CLAIRE
Phil, I really think this would be the best way...
Without a second thought, Phil throws the camera over the cage.
CLAIRE (CONT'D)
Phil, what are you doing?
Phil
Come on Claire. Just don't step on my crouch this time.
Alex
This time?
Phil moves into position as if he is going to toss her over the cage.
HALEY
There's no way they can see me like this.
Alex
Hide.
Alex and Haley hide behind a trashcan just as Haley's friends turn and walk by.
CLAIRE
Phil! I am not going to let you--
PHIL
Don't worry! I've tossed girls three times your size.
CLAIRE
That's not the point--
Luke
Wait! I think I can get through if I just...
Claire and Phil turn and see Luke, trying to push his head through the bars of the cage.
Phil & Claire interview
Claire glares at Phil.
PHIL
We have this neighbor--
CLAIRE
Penny Drupper--
Phil
Who tends to--
CLAIRE
Think she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants! With her beautiful house, her expensive car, and her rich husband!
Phil glances at Claire.
Phil interview
PHIL
Did I have the opportunity to work in finance and be a part of the one percent with a beautiful car and big house? Yes. Did I take it? No. You see, I don't need all the money and the luxuries. I'm a simple guy with simple needs. Do I sometimes think of my penthouse with a glass bottom infinity pool and fire pole that leads to my crime fighting cave?
Phil struggles to find an answer.
PHIL & CLAIRE INTERVIEW
CLAIRE
AND she thinks her son is so brilliant. As if they were sent from God to cure cancer or something.
PHIL
(To Claire)
Well, he is pretty brilliant.
CLAIRE
I know.
PHIL
Did you see his Science Fair project?
CLAIRE
I know.
PHIL
He defied gravity with two thousand balloons.
CLAIRE
I KNOW PHIL!
Phil looks at the camera with a shocked scared face.
CLAIRE
Anyways, so at the beginning of this summer Penny was, of course, bragging about her amazing summer plans to Morocco, so I...I couldn't help myself. I told her we were taking a family trip to Kenya.
Claire looks away from the camera, embarrassed.
PHIL
Hey, at least we got the photo.
Phil shows a photo of the family blocking out a zoo sign and covering up the zoo cage.
INT. Mall - Sunday - afternoon
Cameron and Mitchell walk though the mall with Lily. Cameron is a lot more adamant on getting to the shops where as Mitchell has a more negative attitude on the situation. They enter a clothing store.
Cameron
I'm sorry Mitchell but sometimes you just dress too...
Mitchell
Too what?
CAMERON
Too...
Mitchell
What? Straight! Just say it! I know you want to.
CAMERON
I would never say such a thing. I just think you could use a little more color in your wardrobe. That's all.
MITCHELL
Are you sure this isn't about what that cashier boy at Walgreens said?
CAMERON
Mitchell, he asked us if we were roommates!
MITCHELL
So. Not everyone is going to assume we're together.
CAMERON
I'm sorry, but if it's not obvious why two men, purchasing a months worth of Neutrogena sun tan lotion, holding an Asian baby, would be living together, than either that boy was mentally incapable or...
Mitchell
Or I don't look gay enough?
Cameron starts to go through the store and pick things out.
EXT. Store - Sunday - Afternoon
Stressed about the situation, Mitchell decides to take a breather outside the store. As Mitchell is outside someone taps his shoulder. He turns around to find a shorter tubby girl. Mitchell looks confused.
MITCHELL
OH I'm sorry did I get in your way?
Jennifer Bradkins
MITCH! You don't remember me? Jenny! JENNIFER BRADKINS!
A sudden worried expression comes across Mitchell's face.
MITCHELL
Oh my god Jennifer! You live here now?
JENNIFER BRADKINS
Yeah! We just moved in like 10 minuets from here!
MITCHELL
That's great...
Int. Store - Sunday - afternoon
Mitchell runs back into the store to find Cameron.
MITCHELL
Cam we have to go. Now.
CAMERON
Excuse me! I just found the most adorable rhinestone belt for Lily.
Mitchell starts to pull Cameron out of the store.
MITCHELL
We'll come back for it later.
Mitchell & Cameron interview
Mitchell looks incredibly guilty and Cameron is very disappointed crossing his arms looking away from Mitchell.
MITCHELL
Jennifer and I used to be best friends freshman year of college. She was so sweet, nice, funny--
CAMERON
Oblivious.
MITCHELL
Jennifer had this boyfriend, CARL, who I may have had one...or several one nightstands with.
Mitchell acts as if the story is over.
CAMERON
AND!
MITCHELL
And...one drunken night I may have slept with Jennifer after Carl broke up with her.
CAMERON
AND!
MITCHELL
And...she declared her love to me.
CAMERON
YOU ANIMAL!
End of act one
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