THE PRICE - Final Part 5

She tried to relax but it was fairly useless. By the next day she was coolly excited. She caught the Bakerloo line in from the north London suburb changing at Baker Street and on to Euston. She was five minutes early and the station was crowded. He had said he would meet her by a particular coffee bar and even as she approached she knew he would be there already. In the midst of the hubbub and traffic of commuters and visitors they embraced totally oblivious of other people and for the first time not worried in case anyone should catch them together.
He said "Oh God Jean, it's great to see you again".
She nodded, for at times like these she found herself unable to say anything.
"Come with me, " he said, "I have a room at an hotel down the road as I must talk to you."
He bundled her into a taxi and they sat holding hands and just looking at each other.
"How are you?" she enquired, shyly.
"Marvellous, now", he said.
The taxi lurched to a stop and they got out and went in to the foyer of the hotel. He took his key from the desk clerk and they went up by the lift to his room.
"Now I can offer you a coffee" he said, ringing down to the desk for service.
Why does this always happen to me, she thought, as they made love after such a long time? This man beckons and I come running like a puppet, but reason and logic were characteristics she had thrown out the window the day she met him.
"Jean, I must talk to you", he said.
I have decided rightly or wrongly that I cannot continue in my present marital situation as it is. I have discovered that family life is not for me. I adore my son, but he is an inhibiting factor in my life. My wife adores him too and she loves me but I do not seem to be able to function as a human being in a family situation. I am over here for an interview and I felt I just had to see you, as unfair as it is, to see how you felt."
"What are you saying?" she replied.
"I am considering leaving my wife and asking you to either live with me or marry me when I am free."
Jean looked at him slowly. The magnitude of what he was saying suddenly hit her. He wanted her as a human being, as a lover, but not as a mother of his children. She knew that she loved him, but unless he matured he was not ever going to be able to contemplate children in his life. The choice loomed large. If she said yes to him, which was what she wanted more than anything else in the world, she knew that she was removing the chances of ever being a mother herself. She knew that right at that moment it didn't matter, but would that always be the case. She was not sure if she wanted a childless marriage or not. The alternatives this man offered were cruel and she would be the one to pay the price.
It was possible of course that he might change, but she doubted it. He was egoistic, and she knew that if she spent a life with him, it would be a life built round him to the exclusion of her own. She had after all a career to think of for herself.
Surprising herself she told him gently but firmly that she would consider his proposition. She had always imagined when she had allowed herself the luxury of such thoughts, that she would take him on any terms. Why did she hesitate? Had she been socialised into believing that motherhood was the only valuable thing in a woman's life, or did she sense the physiological need for children?
"What of your wife?" Jean asked. "Does she know how you feel?"
"Yes, " he said, "she knows, because she wants to have another child as soon as possible and I have told her I just can't take it. I'm one of these men Jean who run from situations like this."
"Why do you look to me for a crutch?" she asked.
He looked at her and did not answer. He knew there was no answer and felt about as bad as he had ever felt in the whole episode.
"The trouble with you is," she said, "you've had too much success in life. You're spoilt and self centred, but I love you for all that".
"So what do you say?"
"I'll not marry you," she said, "I'll live with you as soon as I can, but you must leave me free to change my mind if I decide that I do want children. Right now I don't,but I cannot rule out the possibility that one day I shall, and then we should have to part".
"That's fair enough," he said, beaming.....
"Oh you're a rotten sod", she smiled, and even at that moment doubted if she ever would walk out on him.

THE END

1972