"The Weeping Man"


from the ABC set Grim

Ends meet not but as he did,
The rest no mend but as he grieving
Lotus leaf opened and the berry rid
The sky went down, into the man weeping
Under merry glad being, humms
Pots and mockery shone a mystery
Lost in time soaked fifteen rums
Alone with nothing at heart, a misery
Scoffed the tear drenched scaping eye
Landscape headed on, the wounded scar
In memory on about his cry
The night of his, had no single star
And as the sky went down the weeping man
His thoughts went up the mind he ran

by Francis Raymond Arevalo

Discuss this piece in the abctales forum


Comments

jh45 | February 23, 2010 - 16:52

The only thing that slows me down is the pacing. It seems off, perhaps a comma here or there might help that. I like the originality and the symbolism throughout. It's a great start, when you tighten it up it will be that much stronger. Hope I helped you, as best I could.

francisraymonda... | February 23, 2010 - 17:03

Thank you very much for the tips, much applied :)

francisraymonda... | February 23, 2010 - 17:36

Ahhh.. finally made few adjustments, hope these help fix the sonnet

jh45 | February 23, 2010 - 18:11

Much better. Sonnets are a tough form, you handled it well.

francisraymonda... | February 23, 2010 - 18:28

many thanks X)