Already Gone


from the ABC set Poems

No man loved his wife like this husband loved her.
No sun shone so bright as their love did endure.
No raindrops could dampen the life in their days,
No forecast for thunder cast over a haze.
Through weather more fierce than man's temper would he
Go for his wife whose heart needed strength so.
Her days left were few,
Yet this nobody knew,
Still would she play in the field's morning dew.
Of the pain deep inside not the wisest could tell,
For the fire in her eyes cast upon them a spell.
Such was the chill of the harsh winter day,
The perishing cold could be kept not away;
Her heart could not cope and her life passed away.
And still in the place where she slept all night long
To this day carry echoes of her once sweet song.
So bright was the light that from in her shone,
No soul could suspect she had already gone.

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Comments

Jupiter | July 3, 2009 - 09:49

Hi Ursula.

I really like this one.
However, I wasn't sure about the rhymes in this section

Through weather more fierce than man's temper would he
Go for his wife whose heart needed strength so.
Her days left were few,
Yet this nobody knew,
Still would she play in the field's morning dew

where your pattern changed.

And the use of 'away' as the rhyme twice in

The perishing cold could be kept not away;
Her heart could not cope and her life passed away.

didn't quite work for me. Perhaps 'at bay' might fit the first line better?

Having said all of that I like this one and feel it has the makings of a fine piece. :-)

girlbear | July 3, 2009 - 20:53

Thank you so much Jupiter. I know this one doesn't work well, actually most of my poems on here were written somewhat impulsively! But your comment has lead me wanting to work on it.