How to Win a Small Claim

The estimate from the garage is going to be about fourteen hundred dollars. It's going to be too much for you to pay, so the only option you have left is to file a lawsuit. Before you do, consider this: you'll need a lawyer. You'll need to give your version of the story, and your girlfriend is going to give her version. Your brother is probably going to corroborate her story. Imagine all the paperwork you're going to have to fill out, all the litigation and waiting you'll need to do. Even if you do win and she decides to appeal, you might not see the money in years.

Tear up the court form. Sign online and go to that TV judge's Web site, the one who's always on right after King of the Hill and doesn't yell as much as Judge Judy. Fill out the form on the Web site and wait for a producer to contact you.

The producer will call you within a week. Explain your version of the story, but be sure to embellish it as much as you can. Make it dramatic. Make it good TV so the producer will want to put you on the show. Your story needs to be entertaining and marketable—truth finishes a distant third in the triage. Tell the producer that your girlfriend was angry, that she purposely backed into your Ford and caused the damage to the front end. Say it couldn't have possibly been an accident, because it happened in the middle of the day—on a sunny day, you should add—and she had always been a very careful driver for as long as you knew her. No, she wasn't upset. Deny this as much as possible. She was angry. Why was she angry?

Against your better judgment, mention the affair. No, affair is taking it a little to far. You weren't married, of course. But she did cheat on you, and you called her on it and when she vehemently denied it, that was when she went ballistic. Remember that time in seventh grade when you were in the school production of A Midsummer Night's Dream? Use that. Act your heart out. Cry if you can—think about your dog you had when you were a kid, or maybe something traumatic that happened to you when you were in your teens. Whatever it takes to make you sound emotional. If the producer thinks your going to cry on the air, he'll check a little box near the bottom of his unseen form. Score an extra four points on your evaluation. If he thinks it can take up close to twenty-three minutes of TV time, you're in. He does.

Wait for a response from your girlfriend. Of course she's going to say yes—if you could afford to take her to court, you would probably win no matter how much of an accident it was. She can't afford to say no, and besides, she's always enjoyed those courtroom dramas. She'll probably give the producer a pretty good story of her own, which would explain why the producers want you to get down to the studio in the next week to sign the appropriate forms.

Spend the next week perfecting your story. This isn't about convincing the judge, it's about convincing the audience. You need to be sympathetic yet sincere. Can you do that? With enough practice, your story starts to sound pretty believable.

Inside, the court, try to avoid the cameras. Try to stay calm, even though it feels like your auditioning for a movie role. You might have to swear on a Bible, but don't sweat it—it's just a tradition, really. Sit until the show starts and the judge arrives, and do your best to keep your legs from shaking. Don't look over at your girlfriend. Don't make eye contact with your brother. Don't think about the Jerry Springer Show.

When the judge arrives and reads the claim, nod once and address him as “Your Honor” or “Sir.” Say “Yes, Your Honor” after he asks you if your claim is true. Tell him your side of the story, and try to stick to what you practiced as much as possible. When you talk about the damage to your car, you might trip up just a little bit and exaggerate, but don't let it break your focus. Tell the judge that you confronted your girlfriend about the time she'd been spending with your brother, which was why she went crazy and backed into your car.

Shit. You shouldn't have said “crazy.” Stick to “angry” to look more sympathetic. Ignore the hisses and “Ooooh's” coming from the court audience who also had to audition to be on the program. When your girlfriend interrupts you to correct the accident in question, wait for the judge to interject. He might tell her to shut up, much to the chagrin of the audience, or he might let her finish, depending on what judge you picked. At this point, you'll wish you had applied for Judge Judy's program just to have seen her yell at your girlfriend, just to see your girlfriend finally shut her mouth.

Listen patiently to your girlfriend's side of the story. Hide your smile when the audience hisses disapprovingly during her explanation of the alleged affair. Don't interject when she tells everyone how horrible of a boyfriend you were, how you didn't satisfy her, etc. Look pathetic—that's good. The more pathetic you look, the more sympathy you'll get from the audience.

When she gets to the accident, she's going to tell the judge that you were trying to get her to stay. Deny this. Try and sound sincere. Above all else, don't make it sound like you already practiced this. Don't make it look like your prepared a reaction for when she reveals you tried to get her to stay by grabbing on to her and pushing her back into the house. You're going to lose a few audience members here, but the burdon of truth is still on your girlfriend. If the judge tells you to stop interrupting, apologize and shut up until she's finished. No matter what she says, don't piss off the judge. Ultimately, the judge controls the audience. One angry quip from him can turn the audience on you like a pack of rabid cougars.

Laugh when the judge cracks a joke, but not too much. Just smile and let out a few hard breaths, a polite laugh that mimics the audience's response.

Let the judge ask his questions. Tell him you told her you wanted her to stay, that the two of you could work it out, but you definitely didn't touch her. No one can testify against that, not even your brother because he wasn't there. Keep the smug smile to yourself when your girlfriend angrily interjects and is quickly silenced.

Take a break. After the commercials, the judge will be making his decision. During the commercials, don't look directly at the judge as the stage hands reapply his make-up. Try not to look at all the cameras, because then you might start to wonder exactly what it is that's really going on in this makeshift courtroom. Stand awkwardly while your girlfriend and your brother quietly talk among the people in the first row of pews—what else would you call them?—and nonchalantly glance in your direction from time to time. In the balcony, the show's host will be taping her between-the-scenes commentary, but you can't see it because you were instructed before the show not to look. If you look at one of the cameras, you ruin the atmosphere the producers are trying to put together.

The producer will count down before the show officially starts again. Already, thirty-four minutes have elapsed. Try not to think about where the editors are going to cut down the testimony. Even though you know they're going to try and make you both look equally bad, cling to the fact that you didn't have quite as many outbursts as your girlfriend.

Before the judge delivers his verdict, he might attempt to personally patch things up between you and your brother. Maybe he truly cares about the bonds in your family, but more likely he's just trying to look more likeable to the audience at home. Humor him. Tell him you still love your brother and let your brother return the false gesture. Or maybe your brother really doesn't want to let a woman come between the two of you, and he might personally attempt to patch things up on the air before the judge can even suggest it. Or maybe he's just doing that as a last-minute appeal to the audience. Be ready to respond in kind. Try and one-up him no matter how sappy he gets. Tell him he means the world to you and try to squeeze a few tears out, even though chances are the two of you will have it out during the next family thanksgiving meal.

Before the judge gives his verdict, he'll first attempt to paraphrase the last half hour into a handful of sentences, opining what he feels is really the issue here, and how he thinks it should be solved once you leave the courtroom. Nod. Agree if you're personally addressed. Let him chastise you and scold you for acting like a child because he's earned that power after sitting in make-up for an entire hour. Thank the judge if you win, stalk out sulking if you lose.

At the end of the show, you'll be interviewed. Your girlfriend and brother will be standing behind you so their reactions can be recorded while you give your own opinion of how everything turned out. When you're finished, you'll be asked to stand behind your girlfriend and brother while they give their own opinion. If the producers feel there could be some last-minute friction, they might allow you to rebut and then they'll allow your girlfriend to do the same. The exit interviews will last as long as the court case.

            Go home. Wait for your settlement check that could possibly never come because, in the end, you never really went to “court.” When your show finally airs, watch it at your own risk. If you do, try not to think about Jerry Springer.