Advanced Sexual Perversions – Lesson 1

Now, if you tether the donkey 73.25 degrees widdershins of the last Tupping Shed to the left (facing North), they apply the parsnip, gently in a clockwise motion until it is fully seated, then – and only then – you can take a firm grasp on your rod and manipulate it until you can detect its twitchings.

By then, of course the young lady should have finished dressing herself up as a supply Geography teacher and should then be almost ready to apply the lubrication to the leather elbow patches on her jacket.

Then, when it is precisely 14 and a half minutes past midnight on the first full moon of February, you can begin to recite the first seven pages of the (Amiga version only) Dungeon Master instruction manual. By page 5, the young lady should be showing the first signs of sexual arousal and be therefore considering putting her knitting to one side for a time (or two).

You should now check the batteries in the video camera and then release the fully-lubricated weasels. If necessary, you could also recalibrate the knots binding the traffic warden to the quantity surveyor. Whilst, at the same time, it is useful to check that the cream cakes are keeping cool, and that they are also within easy reach, especially if you happen to drop the sex spatulas during a more frenzied moment, just immediately prior to the time when the use of the cream cakes becomes vital.

Then the fully-lubricated weasels should be in position to begin their re-enactment of the Battle of Shrewsbury, while you and the young lady begin to discuss terminal moraines with all the fevered eroticism that two eager young lovers can bring to the subject.