Everybody loves me baby

Zachary kicked a tin can back towards the bags of rubbish by the side of the road. The dustmen had been on strike for ages and it was beginning to pile up and smell. Rain had made the heaps one big soggy mass, and then rats had chewed some of the bags open so their contents spilled out all over the place. It was disgusting, and you had to hold your breath when you got too close.

“If you keep scowling like that and the wind changes, you’ll stay like it. Forever bitter and twisted.” He laughed quietly.

We’d been doing photography in the annexe, and we were walking back through the little graveyard to the main building. I looked at him and wondered whether to say anything. I desperately wanted to discuss it with someone – only Zach wasn’t exactly the best person.

“It’s Adam”

“Oh right – how’s his arm now?”

“Well – they don’t know how much better it’s going to get actually. He can move it, just not very much. He’ll be coming back to college soon”

I’d meant to carry on and say what was really bothering me – the fact that I was heading to Adam’s to chuck him; but then I didn’t. I felt bad enough as it was; no one turned to Zach for sympathy unless they were mad. We’d reached Kingsway by then, and I said goodbye and continued on to the tube station alone.

All the way to Archway, I tried to think of what to say, but it was so hard. I still hadn’t decided even how to start when I got off the train. It was chilly when I came out onto the busy road, and I pulled the jacket closer around me and did up the zip. Then I remembered it was Adam’s and I’d have to give it back to him, and I felt even sadder. It was so warm and comfortable and I’d miss it badly. Still, it wouldn’t be right to keep it after splitting up. I dug my hands deep into the pockets, put my head down into the wind, and carried on up the hill.

Adam took ages to answer the door – he must have been right at the top of the house. As I walked in I noticed a mountain of black bin bags, crowding out the hallway. There was a strange smell coming from them, and I could see small puddles of brown liquid had collected at the base.

“What’s all this?”

Adam turned to where I was pointing. He must have been quite stoned, because he seemed as surprised as me to see them, and there was a pause while he scratched his head;

“It’s the stuff from the freezer. We’re binning it. Mum’ll go spare if she sees we didn’t eat any of it”

I was puzzled;

“How’s she ever going to know?”

“Oh I didn’t say did I. She’s coming home”

He didn’t look very happy about it.

“Why? Because of your accident?”

“Partly”

He led the way up the stairs, and I followed him feeling worse with each step. We never did anything anymore – it was so boring – just sitting in that bare room for hours and hours, hitting the bong, listening to the same boring music. We hardly ever talked. Even sex wasn’t that interesting anymore. After this, I never wanted to hear Janis Joplin again in my life. My heart sank lower and lower as we got nearer to his room. I was absolutely dreading it.

The first thing Adam did when we got to his room was re-light the bong. Getting stoned was all he ever seemed to do nowadays. It was still hot when he passed it to me so I knew he’d been smoking all day. I took it from him and inhaled deeply, not breathing out until I thought my lungs were going to burst. I felt it might make things easier – anything was worth a try - it couldn’t possibly get any worse. Then Adam went over to the record player and I realised it just had, as I heard Don McLean starting up.

He smiled, sat down next to me on the mattress, and began singing along

“Everybody loves me baby…” He was totally out of tune.

That made up my mind. I could suddenly see my whole life stretching out before me if I didn’t do something about it – an endless suffocating repetition of days, forever doing the same thing - the bare room, the hard mattress, the endless bongs, and the shit music. It was like a nightmare and I knew something had to be done, or I’d never be able to breathe again.

“Ad…”

“T at college was he?” Adam had done another hit of the bong, and was lying back, his eyes half closed

“Oh…no – He’s delivering leaflets with Joel today”

“Ahhh – the old leaflet delivery scam……wonder how long it’ll take them to suss out that you can just dump them in the nearest bin and go to the pub? They never check you know.”

He chuckled softly. Then he turned around and put his hand on my leg, running it slowly up and down the length. I went stiff. I had to say something – god it was so difficult to know where to start

“Mmm …that’s good…..Matt’s thinking of fixing up a for a group of us to go to Lanzarote in the Easter holidays. It’ll be nice won’t it?”

I took a deep breath;

“Adam I really like you....”

The hand stopped moving. My mouth suddenly felt dry, and I tried to swallow but it felt like there was a huge lump in my throat

“But?”

“But…well – I really like you as a friend. But…. not enough to be …..I don’t think I ought to be your girlfriend anymore”

There was a long silence. I put my hand on his arm and looked at him. His face had gone pink and he sat very still

“I’m so sorry”

He turned to face me and smiled.

“Don’t be – there’s nothing to be sorry about”

“Will you be okay?” God I had no idea what to say

“Me? Yeah. Of course I will. I’m fine”

Just then the door opened and Matt put his head round it, smiling. He took one look at me, and then at Adam, and I think he must have realised something was up because he didn’t make any jokes.

I got up from the mattress.

“I’m just off.”

I felt awful – as if I’d just punched him or something.

With my hand on the door I paused for a minute and looked back at Adam. He hadn’t moved – he was sitting very still.

“Are you sure you’ll be ok? I’m so sorry”

“Yeah – fine – see you around”

Matt was in the hallway between their bedrooms, taking off his gloves, and he raised an eyebrow as I walked past him. I was just about to go down the stairs when I remembered the jacket. I stopped, took it off, handed it to Matt and said

“Here – you’d better take this”

Then I walked slowly down the two flights, let myself out, and went off, shivering, to find a bus that would take me to Joel’s flat.