a game to play

Here’s a good game for when your partner has flu, it will cheer her up no end, I promise!

It’s called “helping”. If you are unfamiliar with the expression, try breaking it up into two syllables – it will eventually become easier to say.

The Preparatory Moves.
(These can take place over the course of several years).

- Make sure you have no idea how any of the following operate: The dishwasher; the washing machine; the tumble drier; the cooker.

- Pay attention to these other skills. You will also need to avoid acquiring them.

Ironing; cleaning; sorting out a trip switch on a fuse board.

Cooking:

Cooking knowledge is ok, so long as it was gained on one-day courses you have taken during holidays to long-haul destinations. Feel free to offer useful advice when someone else is cooking – ie: “are you sure that’s the proper way to cook rice? The monks always washed it three times in spring water when they showed us.”

If ever asked to actually cook, make sure you fuck it up really badly.

You may still buy gadgets and implements. The larger the better, but don’t open the boxes.

Microwave skills are permitted.

Shopping:

When asked to visit a supermarket and given a list, make sure that you substitute at least 30% of the items for different ones. If questioned, say “they didn’t have it” in a confident tone. Never say “ I couldn’t find it”. It doesn’t sound like you tried.

Practise not noticing things – the paper you dropped, the tea you spilt, that light bulb that needs changing. This is probably best achieved if you only look straight ahead.

Curtains don’t need to be opened or shut. Leave them as they are.

Never lock an exterior door.

Wear noise-cancelling headphones to shut out the annoying ring of the doorbell or telephone.

Never put the lid down.

No one will really notice if you miss.

On Sundays especially, see how many exciting and unexpected places you can leave different sections of the newspapers. Think of it as a treasure hunt in the making. You could have fun with this one!

Ensure your mobile phone is never charged. If someone has charged it for you, leave it unlocked, in your trouser pocket, so it dials a random number. Ignore any odd noises from your pocket until the battery has safely run down again. Put it in a drawer, out of harm’s way

Now go to the mirror. Practise the following – look first eager and expectant – say “let me help – what can I do?” smile winningly. Wait ten seconds. Allow smile to fade. Look saddened. Recoil slightly. Lift eyebrows in puzzled, but uncontentious way (you don’t want to start an argument). Shrug. Say, “well, if you’re sure…”

When satisfied, repeat in front of partner.

Leave room nonchalantly, but swiftly, maintaining uncomprehending expression until safely out of sight.