A Lifetime 2

When I say that’s when it started, I don’t mean that night – not once I’d finished the bottle of Jim Bean. Had to. Hands wouldn’t stop shaking. No - It was once I’d woken up the next morning. That was when it really sunk in. All the what ifs. What if I’d died then? Because I nearly did – inches away from it, remember?

Shaving, I look at myself in the mirror.. Properly I mean. My face; well, it’s what a forty six year old looks like after seven years in the California sunshine. Very drying. And there’s all the other stuff before. That’s not good for you either. Fun though…. I’m off all that now. Have been since we got here. More or less. Couple of blips, but I dealt with it. Told the doctor it must have been the allergy spray that made the hole. There’s always a way round these things if you know what to say. Anyway, that got fixed. Been ok since then. Even started working out. So not bad for my age, not bad at all, buff even. I put the razor down – look hard at the face. What if that was it though? What if that was it? The end. Suddenly there’s this –thing in the pit of my stomach, and as it gets tighter I start to shiver and it spreads through me like a wave.

Jump in the shower. Noise of the water will drown out the thoughts, get me back on an even keel. I stand, waiting, but it doesn’t. I turn the pressure up to full blast, force my face into the jets and suddenly I’m crying. Crying. Man, I haven’t cried since .. I can’t even fucking remember when I last cried.

She’s there when I come out. She would be wouldn’t she. Pottering round the kitchen, looking at me with disdain. Nothing new there then. Didn’t tell her last night – no point, was there. We don’t do talk. Never have – not for years anyway. No point saying anything now.. Why change the habit of a lifetime? We don’t anything else either – have sex, love each other, like each other even. Been like that for years, and I know this is going to sound stupid but – I’d got used to it – you can get used to anything you know?

There were a few – distractions along the way to make the time pass more quickly – nothing I couldn’t wriggle out of when push came to shove. She never found out. I made sure of that. Not that there was much to find out mind – what was it John Lydon said? – two and a half minutes of squelching noises. I think you’ll find he had a point there. Why did I stay? I felt I owed it to her. It was my fault – right from the start, I’m not going to make excuses. It was me. And even though she started this whole sorry mess, I let it happen. Fucking paid for it though haven’t I. A whole life of nothing – working to prop up this nothing. A quiet comfortable life. Which nearly finished yesterday.

There’s still time. I go through the motions – pull on the old suit, shades in pocket, check, wallet, check. In the car, start the engine – put on the Beach Boys - it’s that kind of day - and all the time my brain’s racing – I’m high on adrenalin. It’s going to change, starting now. First thing I’m going to do is call my attorney – check out my options, see where I stand. Second thing – I don’t know yet, but this is the end of the half-life. It’s my last chance.

One final thing – you don’t spend seven years in this part of the world without a bit of it rubbing off on you. You can call it a coincidence if you like – I think there’s something more to it – whatever – I turn my computer on, and the first thing – the first fucking thing I see – is her name in my inbox. It’s been years - I’d almost forgotten. Almost. I open the mail. It’s only one sentence – it just says “Matt are you still there?” And you’re probably thinking is that all? But that’s not the point.