March 23rd

My eyes snap open and I’m in a strange place. I don’t know how I got here. I thought I was asleep.

I can see that It’s light, but only just. A grey dawn light, and nothing much is happening except in my head. There’s no wind and it isn’t really cold. The air feels thin, like Switzerland, and it’s making me light-headed. I take deeper breaths to make that stop, but it doesn’t, and the more I concentrate on my breathing, the harder it becomes.

I look around and can’t see anything moving at all, but somehow – I’m not sure how, I know that everything is speeding up. Not in a good way. I want to slow it all down, make it stop, because I know that something dreadful happens next and I don’t want it to

I watch the sky as it gets lighter, hoping to see the warm yellow of the sun as it begins to rise over there, by the thin line of trees to my left, but it never comes; and I know that it isn’t going to. Nothing’s ever going to be the same again after this.

I start walking. Maybe the movement will make it easier for me to breathe properly. I know I need to slow it down. I am breathing in too much oxygen and letting out too much carbon dioxide. I remember when they told me this, and that they said I should sit down, lower my head, and breathe into a paper bag.

I can hear a banging noise in my ears. and see my chest rise and fall with the effort. I know I have to stop thinking about it in order to make it go away. I concentrate on the ground. It’s just light enough to see the grass under my feet. It’s wet with dew, and slightly too long, so it brushes unpleasantly against my ankles.

I jam my hands in my pockets because I can feel my fingers getting numb. I speed up the pace because I’m getting nowhere, but it doesn’t seem to matter how far I walk, it’s always the same – this cold grey landscape. The light has bleached out the green of the grass. It just looks dark grey, and it’s too early for the trees to be in leaf. It’s all so bleak.

I can hear one or two birds singing, somewhere – maybe in the trees. It’s not a joyful sound though – not a babble – just solitary calling. They sound as lonely as me. I look upwards, at the big big sky – it’s huge where I live, and it’s not beautiful at all, just a milky greyish white. No stars, no sun. It makes me feel very small. The numb feeling is spreading up my arms. I rub them, pull my jacket tighter around me, but it doesn’t help

My eyes have to work hard in this pale light, they’re playing tricks on me. I can see little pinpricks of white. I turn my head and they’re everywhere. I know they aren’t real.

I walk on. There’s nothing else to do and at least it’s something. My head’s starting to hurt, and I can feel tears sliding down my cheeks. There’s no point wiping them away. I am tired and I want to stop now, but there seems to be no end.

I know this is spring and I’ve been waiting so long for it, but now it’s here, somehow it’s a frightening, lonely time. I feel as if I’m the only person in the world who’s awake.

I carry on walking, in case something changes.