Matthew 4

As we get to the meeting place, we see two seperate crowds. In the middle of each is a woman, surrounded like a queen bee in a hive, by people coming and going. As we stand there, watching, more and more keep arriving until they spill off the pavement and into the road. No one seems about to go anywhere and it looks as if there must be some kind of standoff. I wish this was just a normal funeral with one grieving family.I want to say goodbye to Matthew ….to apologise to him - not get caught up in all this drama.

Zach and I have come to a halt at the edge of the throng of people. I’m not sure what we’re meant to do. I bite my lip and gaze around, wondering how to explain … where to start



.

“That woman..” I’m trying to point her out with my eyes so they don’t know we’re talking about them; I don't want to attract anyone's attention, “..the one in the sort of feather boa with 
the blonde hair – the tall one….that’s Joe’s mum, Marnie. I don’t know 
if you ever met her..”





Zach tilts his hat forwards so it’s slightly further over his eyes;

“She’s still quite fit..”





“Zachy, she must be in her forties!”





He starts laughing again



I try to ignore him. We’re never going to get anywhere if he’s going 
to go on about Marnie;

“..and the girl – woman – next to her …that’s  
Joel’s girlfriend….was, when he died”.





My voice has gone quieter even though I’m trying really hard to sound  
neutral. I’m not jealous; I just don’t like her very much. She has a deep tan – she must have been somewhere exotic since it’s November – and her hair is bleached bright blonde. She’s six years older than me 
- sophisticated and well dressed - much better than I am, but not prettier.





I remember Matthew, in the days after Joel died, putting his arms 
around me, whispering in my ear; “You know, Joel told me he was sick  
of her – he was going to dump her” and another time… “What was it  
between the two of you anyway? Joe would never really tell me…..” In my mind's eye, I can see him looking at me with his big blue eyes...waiting for my  
answer; I light a cigarette, swallow, my mouth is so dry… I can’t  
believe I’ll never see either of them again.





I make myself look across at the other group. They’re so different – 
more formally dressed, but shabbier too, like a creased black and white photograph compared with Marnie’s glossy rainbow crowd. In the middle is an old woman – she has long straight hair parted in the  
middle and it’s a dark, iron grey. Her face is heavy and lined and it  
kind of sags, as though it’s deflated somehow. The eyes are ringed  
with black and her face is blotchy and red. Her mouth is set straight 
and grim. She looks decades older than Marnie.





I turn back to Zach. He seems to understand why I keep pausing. I’m not used to him being so patient.





“Sorry …….that must be Matthew’s mum”





“It’s okay…..what about their dad?”





“He died before Joe was born and then Marnie ran away to France –  
Matthew was three I think”




I'm silent again, drifting away in my thoughts. No photograph, at least I don’t remember one, only his BAFTA award  gleaming softly on the mantelpiece in their flat. Joe was so proud of  it – he showed everyone.

When Joel died, Marnie ran away again, this  time to America with Joe’s girlfriend. Matthew had to do everything. None of us helped. It never occurred to me to even offer. I was too busy walking around London in a daze.




Suddenly Danny bustles over and puts his hand on my shoulder making me jump; I can smell chewing gum  and expensive cologne as he kisses me. He’s quite famous now, and I think Zachy must recognise him from somewhere because he raises an eyebrow in interest

;

“Hello …allright? …fucking nightmare this is”

Danny keeps his voice low, almost a whisper, but you can tell he’s  
seething with rage. I'm glad he's here. He'll be able to tell me what's going on. I look over towards the old woman;







“Is that Matthew’s mum?" I ask, "I’ve never met her”







“Yeah, yeah that’s her," he says, "Will you go and say hello? She’d like that..”





I get this sinking feeling but I know I’m going to have to;





“Yes – okay…. Danny what’s happening? Is she here too? The girlfriend?”




He doesn't need to scan the crowd - he knows already. His finger jabs without hesitation towards an innocuous looking girl half hidden behind Joel's mother.




“Sticking close to Marnie….there. She’s fucking hijacked this whole  
thing – that’s what this is all about and it’s not helping, Marnie 
taking her side and all……”





I look at the girl he’s indicating, and she’s staring straight ahead, unsmiling. She looks so ....insignificant. It’s hard to believe she's the person we're talking about. She's wearing a cheap-looking suit and too much lipstick and she looks just like any one of the secretaries who crowd this area of cheap bedsit-land. Then I remember her voice, warning me away time after time, the way she wouldn’t let me talk to Matthew, and I hate her with all my heart.





“Why wouldn’t she let us talk to him? It was so awful ….”





“That’s not the half of it..”





Danny breaks off to nod at someone else, then he frowns



“She’d moved her boyfriend in - they must have known then that Matthew was ill – dying - god, when I think what they did... they deserve to be fucking shot. And the will – wait til you hear about that …..Look I’ve got to go – talk to a few people. I’ll catch you later ok? Tell you the rest. Go and talk to his mum – it would mean a lot. Be gentle ok?  They’ve cut her out completely you know. Go and talk to her .“





Danny dashes over to a yellow E type Jag that’s just pulled up, and 
leans in through the passenger window. I light another cigarette and 
it's hard to hold the lighter straight because my hand’s shaking. I know I have to go and talk to Matthew’s mother and I have no idea what to say. I look at Zach but I know he can’t help me. I take a deep breath and plunge into the crowd, waiting my turn to get near.