So … I’m lying in the bath, and I stick one leg in the air and on my knee there’s this big purple mark. I poke it with my finger – doesn’t hurt at all, so it’s not a bruise, and anyway I haven’t fallen over for months – mainly because I haven’t worn high heels lately.
I wonder for a minute, because that’s the nicest part of being in the bath –you have time for that kind of thing. Perhaps it’s a disease! Something obscure – temporarily disabling, but not too serious. Serious enough to get me out of reading next week though. Mentally I compose a regretful email to Tony, explaining how I would really like to come – was all ready to, but…all the walking between stations – impossible now. Maybe next time…
I only said I'd read on the understanding that I didn’t have to. I don’t think he realises that. It was definitely the agreement though. If I’d thought in any way that I’d actually be obliged to, I’d have said no from the start. Simple. I wouldn’t want to let anyone down.
Anyway. I have nothing to read. And I am crap at reading. I’ll open my mouth and nothing will happen! Everyone will be sitting there, trying to look polite, encouraging, and my face will go bright red. Then I’ll try again – still nothing – and then people will start to look embarrassed – maybe someone will look at their watch.
I’m too old to wish the floor would open up underneath me at this point and swallow me up. I’ve wished that so many times and it’s never happened. No. I’m more practical now. Disease. Inclement weather.. snow! How about snow? Perhaps, if I haven’t thought of anything better by the time we get close, it’ll snow? It’s the first time I’ve looked forward to snow for at least a couple of years.
Of course you can’t rule out flu. Everyone’s got it these days. They don’t need to know I went and had a jab for the first time in my life a couple of months ago. And anyway – it’s only eighty per cent effective – I could easily still come down with it. I put my hand on my forehead, in case it’s already started – that would make it easy – I could rattle off an email as soon as I’m dressed - but it’s disappointingly unfeverish – though that doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen – there are still some days left.
There’s this thing people say – that you should do something terrifying everyday, and I’ve never really understood why that’s such a good idea. I’m doing something really nice before, and something really nice afterwards – if I could only think of a way of dodging the middle part, it would all be perfect. I still have a few days to think of something. I’m sure if I put my mind to it…
Comments
celticman | January 6, 2011 - 15:17
emm a horror story. My idea would you read this piece on the 12th. I think that would be the most appropriate.
insertponceyfre... | January 6, 2011 - 15:21
ha ha - at least I said I'd go - unlike some people
celticman | January 6, 2011 - 15:28
Some people life their lives in the rural hinterlands and are doomed to obscurity. If I could just get at that stage...
insertponceyfre... | January 6, 2011 - 15:33
it's not too late! You could have my place! I really think you should
MistakenMagic | January 6, 2011 - 23:45
Sorry you've come down with a bit of stage-fright, insert! But I think you'll feel much better if you just get it over and done with ;) You're one of the most talented and respected writers on ABC - you could read the phone book from cover to cover and people would listen! Really sorry I can't be there on the 12th - curse of being a northerner!
Magic xxx
shoe | January 7, 2011 - 15:18
I thought this kind of thing was supposed to get better as you get older, from experience it doesn't, also from experience, it's never as bad as you think and you are always glad you did it, Good luck,
P.S aren't you supposed to picture everyone naked?
insertponceyfre... | January 7, 2011 - 20:35
thank you very much magic and Julie - it's very kind of you to write such reassuring things - I"ll try to remember them when I read (unless I'm accidentally prevented from doing so of course)
it is a shame you can't make it magic, and I'm really looking forward to meeting you Julie - I bet your poems will sound brilliant read out loud.
Thanks for reading and commenting Shirley. I doubt very much that any good would come of me imagining everyone naked - I think that could possibly make it all much much worse. or funnier at least.
Cavalcaderl | January 7, 2011 - 20:46
new Insertpnceyfre..
Yes,love all your stories. Come on
if you had flu jab,that's a booster,
so did mine! Best plan sit relax to soft
music,or five minutes before the time start
gently breathe in and out,auto suggestion. You
can do it if I can,under all adversities,you can.
You better be there? And I told MistakenMagic this
to on her big night,says it worked. Once told think
of people as rows of cabbages,and focus if did anything at all focus,I never could just on one thing doing. Hope helps. In a million years I never
thought as asked to read,and our Editor T.COOK tony
down with flu, see my name user name on here,even it
spelt bit wrong,thought maybe mean't for someone else.But like the dentist don;t think of it till time
comes,looking foreward meet you all.I usually pray
and also becam prayer partner healing centre days I couldn't do a thing.Like bing certain time link up as read list at home and healing part from bible sorry like footballers before begin anything.But we still be there, even if didn't have a slot read.
good luck. yes nice meet you and all we go by train
no car mine take me good.
julie xx
rjnewlyn | January 8, 2011 - 22:19
Ah well, now if you're not there we'll just have to say it's because you found a purple mark on your knee ...
Rob
insertponceyfre... | January 8, 2011 - 22:26
the purple mark has very disappointingly disappeared - it's going to have to be something else
rjnewlyn | January 8, 2011 - 22:48
Once upon a time I was working in a Casualty dept and a mother brought her son in with a mysterious purple mark on his ankle. I wiped it away with a damp cloth and a very tense silence descended between them. She made profuse apologies and I wouldn't have wanted to be in his shoes on the drive home.
Rob
insertponceyfre... | January 8, 2011 - 22:54
that's hilarious! you have completely made my evening - thank you Rob
rjnewlyn | January 8, 2011 - 23:29
I think it's my best memory from that job. That and the waiting room filling up one rainy evening with men in Roundhead costumes - a group of Dutch visitors who'd been re-enacting the Civil War nearby, one of whom was worried about his eardrum because of a cannon going off nearby. Very surreal at the time.
Rob
insertponceyfre... | January 9, 2011 - 18:14
I used to live in a village with a stately home where people "lived as Tudors" every summer, and whenever you went to the GP they'd be there - horses left in the car park, nursing axe wounds etc
rjnewlyn | January 10, 2011 - 23:31
It's a strange (but wonderful) world ...