A Thank You Email

It’s over. Christmas is over. Just one thing left to do. One little thing. No big deal – at least not in a practical way. A thank you email; a two-minute effort - if that.

Marnie put something under the tree for me just before she went home, and I think I left it till last to open - I can’t remember, but I think I did. Anyway, I was ready to be embarrassed, because I know she has no money and I hate the idea that she felt she had to. It was beautifully wrapped – unlike all the other presents there – we don’t go in for that kind of thing – with Hermes ribbons tied just so, the same as I remember her doing all those years ago.

In the end though, I wasn’t embarrassed, just puzzled – not by the present, but by the little card inside. It was strange – very small, and the envelope looked slightly off-white, but not deliberately off-white, if you know what I mean – just as if it were quite old. It was a little snow scene – one of those Dutch paintings with lots of little people – you always know they’re Dutch for some reason, and inside she’d written “Ill explain about this later.” I put it to one side, puzzled, but I didn’t really have time to think about it – it was busy, and I was trying to be cheerful, then I forgot all about it

I was okay – the whole day. Silence is something I really appreciate, especially after the past few weeks. I didn’t have to be nice to anyone either. I unplugged the phone to make sure of that. Also not having to eat meals – not even push things round my plate politely. So I had a really relaxing time – writing, reading. I watched a Peepshow that was on the hard drive. It was nice to be just me for once. I enjoyed it.

Then I got Marnie’s email – the normal thank you for the lovely present - how wonderful I’m wearing it now - that kind of thing – then:

“…and just to explain my cryptic note about the little card...the last one of a pack I found years ago in Joel’s things ....and I thought who better to send it to than you..”

I should have known – I should have guessed – it looked so old - but I didn’t – it didn’t even occur to me. I hadn’t cried all day and I’d been really pleased, because I have nothing to cry about. But once I’d started I couldn’t stop – about everything – how awful it must be for Marnie – and about how it can be that all that’s left of someone so big in so many people’s lives, is a shitty little card – and him, of course, because all I know is that the first cold turkey didn’t work, but he said he was trying again and I wasn’t to worry. That was two weeks ago and I’ve heard nothing since. Sometimes I wonder … I would never kick someone when they were down, but there is so little left, almost nothing. I’m not going to give up on him though. I don’t think it’s finished – I think we still have a chance.

This morning - I know it’s stretching things, but I honestly think it was a little lighter than the day before. I just have to find the words – write this email – then I can start to look forward again.