Tipping Point

“Did you lock the door?” he asks. I’m confused. No idea what time it is. I’m trying to focus on his face, but I’m still half asleep. Dismissively, I say “I don’t know,” and then I close my eyes again. It might be possible to get back to sleep if I’m lucky.

It’s not good enough – my reply. He doesn’t go away, he doesn’t get into bed. His breathing sounds weird – it’s too quick. I can sense something’s wrong. I open my eyes again and he’s closer. I say, “can’t we talk about this in the morning?” and I turn my head away.

I think “why this stupid question in the middle of the night?” I still haven’t understood that it doesn’t matter what the reason is – the tipping point - I still don’t see what’s about to happen. It’s the first time after all, so I’m not on my guard like later.

Wham!

Inches from my head, he’s slammed his fist into my pillow. Eyes wide open now, but I’m too scared to move. He is standing over me and I have never seen anyone as angry as this before. This is a mad person. Not someone I know. I’m out of my depth. Never seen eyes that red with hate, white spittle at the sides of his mouth, stretched, ugly, angry. I understand what people mean by contorted with rage now, because his face clearly is. I never did before. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. Is he going to hit me? Like that? With that force? I know I should move, but I can’t. I am frozen.

My little dog is on the end of the bed. He’s swept her off, onto the floor. I can hear the thump, and then her crying. They don’t fall on their feet like cats.

I jump out of bed and crouch down, comforting her, feeling her, trying to see if she’s hurt. I’m crying now, but not because I’m upset, it’s shock. I say, “you are terrifying me”, and he makes an expression of disgust and leaves, slamming the door. I sit, hunched in the corner, on the floor, listening to the sound of him going downstairs.

After a while, I put some clothes on. It feels safer that way. Then I lock the door and wait until it’s light. I still don’t quite believe what happened. That was the first time.