The Valley of the Dolls

As I left the surgery, I felt extremely odd. Everything around me was normal, but inside my head, my brain was racing faster than the speed of light, and I had to put a lot of thought into making my legs move forwards. It was a little like tripping, but with all the fun bits left out.

One minute I’d been my normal bored self, endless years stretching out before me, wondering what I could possibly do to fill them, and the next, I realised that actually there might not be all that many more.

The idea had never occurred to me before. Suddenly, there was so much I wanted to do. If I was going to die soon how ever would I fit it all in? I panicked about it all the way to Joel’s flat. I remembered being on the top deck, sitting on my hands because they wouldn’t stop shaking, wondering if I could sleep less, so as to get a few more hours out of the days.

But of course before any of that, I had to get to Joel’s – that was the most important thing to do. I was still shaking by the time I reached his flat; all the past – all the stupid things I’d run to him with – shit boyfriends, bad haircuts, problems at college – they all paled before this new horrible thing. I knew rationally, that even he couldn’t make it better this time, but that was the only place I wanted to be.

Strangely, he did manage– or at least he made me feel less alone about it. From the minute he started talking, holding me as tight as he could with one arm in a sling, talking firmly in my ear, in a kind of fierce whisper, I felt like it was something we could possibly get around together.

“It’s ok – really. I bet you don’t have it. And even if you have got it; look at Ben’s mum – she had it ages ago and she’s fine.

I drew away from him a little bit;

“What if they…..you know ………I don’t know if I could bear it if they…..” I let the words peter out. I didn’t want to actually say them

“It’ll be ok – it won’t make any difference – honestly – you’ll still be you. It’ll be fine.”

He seemed so sure;

“They might not have to do that anyway. Honestly. I read a book – Valley of the Dolls – mum gave it to me – anyway, one of them had it and it was only dangerous when it spread to under her arm. Have you got a lump under your arm? No! I didn’t think so. There you are then!”

He sounded so ferocious; it'd made me laugh for the first time

“Joe you sound like someone off Crown Court”

He blushed and rearranged the sling, which had slipped sideways what with one thing and another. Instantly I felt horribly guilty and started to apologise, but he stopped me;

“It’s nothing – really….it doesn’t matter at all now.”