You Go Girlfriend

She looked good for her age. I mean really good. And she knew it. It had taken years for her to realise that– worked through everything the counsellor had suggested, the Pilates, the weightwatchers, the meditation tapes, and you know what? It had worked. She was on a roll. She turned, so the mirror would reflect her derriere. Neat! She turned back again. Not showing too much cleavage? ….. that was still a no-no at fifty-five You couldn’t after all work miracles – only the lord could do that.

She was not going to think about Bob right now – it would only upset her. Or his secretary –with her fake French name – everyone knew it was really Jennifer – who did she think she was kidding? Apart from Bob of course, but he was always a real ladies man. Led by the …well, not his head, that’s for sure. She took a deep breath; baby steps – baby steps and she would get there in the end

Marsha reached for the lip-gloss – a discreet pink, not too red, - some things you never get over if you’ve been brought up a Southern Baptist. It took her mind off Bob. She puckered up, then smiled, practising the bright confidence that she almost, but not quite, believed in

“You go girlfriend!”

That’s what they’d taught her – a modern American mantra, and boy did it work. Once a day, after the yoga. Look at yourself, smile! Happy happy! You’re worth it!

She smoothed down her top over her hips, appreciating her rediscovered waistline. Giving up ice cream had been almost the hardest of all, it had been the first thing she’d reached for all those awful months, after Bob had left. She’d watched the weight pile on – the extra layers grow and grow until finally she hadn’t even been able fasten her biggest pair of jeans. Reaching for the nightly quart form the icebox had been her comfort through those long lonely nights after he’d gone. And it had been so hard – so hard to stop herself…but…..she turned sideways….she’d done it! You go girl!

She hadn’t been the only one to notice either. That long forgotten sensation that heads were turning as she crossed the parking lot outside the shopping mall. And that had galvanised her into taking even more care over her appearance – she’d had her teeth whitened more regularly, paid more attention to her roots, taken pleasure in shopping once more – updated her wardrobe
“You need to feel good inside and out” they’d said – “try some classes – what have you got to lose?”

So she had – she’d enrolled in school once more – taken up where she’d left off with art history, and that had brought the best results of all. At first it had felt strange – almost everyone had been younger than her, but it was what was inside that counted and hey – inside she felt twenty-five. She’d thrived on the easy-going atmosphere of school –the casual meetings in the coffee shop before classes – everyone crowding round the big table in the middle.

That was where she’d seen Josh the first time. It had been just like in the movies – where their eyes met and locked and something – something magic happened. It had been so long since she’d felt that magic. She’d known instantly, but then tried to talk some sense into herself

“He can’t be more than half your age– he can’t! I must be imagining things”

Those long legs, stretched lazily out in front of him – they seemed to go on forever. The blonde hair, just below collar level, swept slightly to one side, those quizzical bright blue eyes, looking straight at her appreciatively, eyeing her up and down , smiling, crinkling up at the edges with good humour.

She couldn’t help herself –it felt like a spring was uncoiling.

After that things had speeded up – like a rollercoaster – faster and faster. Josh’s sensitivity …she knew she shouldn’t compare him to Bob but she couldn’t help herself. Josh was so – laid back, so funny, so full of compliments.

The first time he’d asked her if she was going to the class party she’d looked up at him

“Are you asking me for a date?” she’d asked, smiling, trying not to look too pleased

“Well I don’t see anyone else here fits the description of beautiful lady” he’d replied, smiling back.

And then her legs had turned to jelly and she’d almost had to sit down for a minute. Instead, she’d pretended to look for something in her purse, hoping he wouldn’t notice the blush spreading over her face

One last look in the mirror, one last you go girl……

She’d loved every second of the evening, every last wonderful second, and because she wasn’t used to drinking anymore it hadn’t taken long before the wine had gone to her head, and then Josh had held her close, his mouth touching her ear – she could smell the musky lemony cologne, feel his hot breath as they moved to the music,

She felt her face flush as she thought back. It had been so long since she’d felt like that. He’d made her feel... She smiled, remembering …

And now, here she was, two days later - the next class since the party…she’d been even more careful with her appearance – made plans – had decided to invite Josh round – maybe she could cook him dinner She was a good cook. She smiled to herself – from what he’d said before, that wasn’t the only thing she was good at……

Pushing open the swing doors to the coffee shop, she noticed immediately that he wasn’t there. She’d joined the others, waited – maybe he’d had car trouble? He’d never missed class before. Playing with the plastic stirrer in her skinny latte, she’d told herself he’d arrive soon.

After twenty minutes, she’d started to feel puzzled, then worried…..an accident maybe? She turned to Mikey – she knew they were friends

It took some time for it to sink in – really sink in. She guessed it must have been hard for Mikey to say it, and she was grateful, she supposed he’d taken pity on her. Even so he hadn’t been able to look her in the eye when he’d said – quietly – almost under his breath

"I shouldn’t really say this, but I can’t stand by and watch. Here - you know what this means?"

And then he’d taken a pen and scribbled some letters on a paper napkin. She’d looked at them GILF – GILF? She didn’t understand. She could see from Mikey’s face it wasn’t good, but she hadn’t a clue. She’d had to force him in the end, the now slightly brittle smile still on her face, gently insisting, pushing him to say those awful words one after another. Even now she could feel the tears of humiliation pricking at her eyes. Grandmother! Not even mother. She’d been a challenge – a bet – with some of the other boys. They’d all known – all of them – that was almost the worst part.

She managed to thank him before fleeing – she knew she’d done that, but afterwards she really couldn’t remember much until she reached the safety of her apartment. And it wasn’t until then that she’d started crying. She hadn’t known that it was even possible to feel so humiliated.

When finally there seemed to be no more tears left, she went to the bathroom to soothe her eyes with cold water – over and over she bathed them trying so hard to avoid the mirror until finally she couldn’t escape it any longer and she looked up, and saw red, swollen eyes, a blotchy face, reflecting every one of her fifty five years and this time she couldn’t bring herself to say anything, and she turned to go, closing the door softly behind her