Derek Hargreaves Enquires

He's got a flat cap and glasses
and he knows where you live
he says you've vandalized a phonebox
even though you're thirty-six

He knows where your Mum works
and all your unclean desires
he puffs on his pipe, nods knowingly
Derek Hargreaves enquires

He's got his nose in your letterbox
and can sniff out your sin
he's writing in his notebook
'cos he knows where you've been

He's reported kids riding bicycles
and young lads starting fires
he's minding your business
Derek Hargreaves enquires

He's got contacts in the council
and pal, you have been warned
Derek's got his eye on you
and the police have been informed

He sees through all the bullshitters
the blaggers and the liars
he's met your sort before
Derek Hargreaves enquires

If your ball goes in his garden
you'll never get it back
'cos he's wearing a kagoul
and he's on the attack

He's five foot eleven
with a military bearing
he'll bar you from the Labour Club
if he finds out you've been swearing

'Cos he's on the committee
and he's got some clout
Mr. Derek Hargreaves
has found you out

He'll bring back hanging
and he'll poison your cat
Mr. Derek Hargreaves
the local twat