Annihilate (27th February, 2009, 10.51pm)
Peel back the layers and you will find
an emptiness that grows and throbs
within my heart, obliterates my whole
and desecrates my shattered mind;
unwrap the tourniquet that tightly
binds the elements that make me
almost human; resent not my tortured
soul as it consumes you nightly;
unwind the threads of sanity;
separate my melody to
single notes, rearrange my symphony
into tunefulness, and play me;
feel your way like Persephone
as you go down into the dark;
leave a line out, a space I can write on
in the aftermath, when I’m free;
seal the door with your goodbye moves,
bittersweet with indifference
in the daylight; your utterances lie
as your eyes overflow with truths;
flip the coin with its matching sides;
you annihilate me while I
try to love you, carving memories where
I’m most exposed. Where is my pride?
Jennifer Pickup
Comments
Doeslittle | February 28, 2009 - 00:08
Whilst I'm still up and here, this is also excellent. Sad, moving and excellent. My favourite stanza being:
'feel your way like Persephone
as you go down into the dark;
leave a line out, a space I can write on
in the aftermath, when I’m free;'.
Nicely punctuated too.
jennifer | February 28, 2009 - 00:19
Why, thank you, DL - my punctuation had better be good since I am always criticising other people's!
Glad you liked the poem - that is my favourite stanza also!
J x
littleditty | February 28, 2009 - 01:42
strong piece, liked this, flows a treat - liked 'leave a line' carving idea, the coin/fate - thought it would work well to end on 'exposed.'
flip the coin with its matching sides;
you annihilate me while I
try to love you, carving memories where
I’m most exposed.
jennifer | February 28, 2009 - 08:08
Thank you!
Yes, I like that, ld, but it doesn't fit with either my A-B-C-A rhyme scheme (1st and last lines of the stanzas rhyme) or my 8-8-10-8 syllable rhythm. For once, I'm being a proper poet!
Maybe:
'I'm most exposed; out flow the tides?'
Any more suggestions?
J x
luigi_pagano | February 28, 2009 - 10:20
Dear Jennifer, I wouldn't worry about the 'proper' format. It is when someone tries to adhere too strictly to a classic pattern, a rhyming scheme or a metre, that the output may sound contrived.
Just let your ideas flow and put them on paper as they come to you. Having said that, this poem is a real gem and this could be due to the structure you mention although you don't seem to have used it in the penultimate stanza where the last word in the first line is 'kisses' and the one on the last line is 'truths'.
Don't trouble yourself over it, I am just being pedantic.
Luigi x
littleditty | February 28, 2009 - 12:43
yes -its because of your rhyme scheme i thought to end it that way - on 'exposed', ie without the resolve of the rhyme to close the idea, think this engages the reader differently, after a strong emotive narrative -just an idea :)
jennifer | March 1, 2009 - 10:47
Dash it, Luigi, I missed that one...gah! This is what happens when I try to be disciplined - I screw it up!
ld - yes, I see what you mean - let me have a think and sort it out...
J x
Nathan Bednarek | March 2, 2009 - 23:06
'unwind the threads of sanity;
separate my melody to
single notes, rearrange my symphony
into tunefulness, and play me;'
This is one of the most beautiful poems I've read in a long time, and the stanza above is just so elegant.
The whole poem feels somewhat fragile, but it has a lot of unique strength- the kind that emerges from humility and peace.
I wish I could write poetry like you. A big well done ;-)
Nathan.