Cowboy Killer (6th January, 2009, 2.24pm)
He strode in like a cold wind
blowing through my mind,
words slung from his hips like
guns, bullets ready for firing;
deadly, silver-tongued ones.
He dropped the accusations;
shattering, glass-like at my feet,
and the whisky lies came spilling
across the hard tiles of truth
as I screamed ‘don’t shoot!’
His open mouth like a tunnel
for my frightened rabbit eyes;
where was Alice when I needed
her? My cupcake-gorged surprise
for his Cheshire Cat-like smile.
I felt fragile as a miniature doll,
caught in their house of rumour,
then grew, giant-like, desperate,
swallowed shots of Dutch Courage
as I advanced, defenceless.
My palms gripped ivory handles,
carved from a righteous tower
as I spat my own excuses; a sea
of hurt swelled between us. I had
no choice but to shoot you.
And so the bullets flew like words,
And the words unfurled like truth.
Comments
jennifer | January 6, 2009 - 15:05
Needs a little work...any suggestions? I feel rusty!
Nathan Bednarek | January 6, 2009 - 20:37
Overall this is great. However, I think that you could make this poem a bit more ambiguous and mysterious. For example, the first two stanzas give a little too much away in my opinion. I think you could juggle the words around a little to make the 'entrance' less obvious and therefore more dangerous and exciting.
The line
'...I had
no choice but to shoot you.'
is just not that powerful. Perhaps if you made it less obvious you'd generate more concern in the reader as he/she wouldn't know what exactly is going to happen.
You are always so good at maintaining ambiguity and mystery; I just think that this poem can use a bit more of that style of yours. I hope this is helpful.
Overall, this is a very enjoyable read.
Nathan.
MistakenMagic | January 7, 2009 - 17:38
Don't worry Jen the rust doesn't show, I too have returned from a poetry fast and am having the same doubts. But this is brilliant. I love the 'Alice in Wonderland' references and the imagery is beautiful. Though I do agree there is something in what Nathan says, I'm at a loss as to what to suggest - sorry I'm useless! But I will be watching for further developments :)
Happy New Year!
Magic xxx
Dynamaso | January 8, 2009 - 04:38
I don't see any rust either. In fact, there are some cracker lines in this like:
"bullets ready for firing;
deadly, silver-tongued ones."
and
"a sea of hurt swelled between us."
Happy New Year, by the way. :)
tcook | January 8, 2009 - 13:19
I think the problem lies in the mixture of images - we go from cowboys to Alice to doll's house and back to cowboys - and I think that detracts from it.
jennifer | January 11, 2009 - 20:58
Ah, Tony....if only you could see inside my head!
I shall attempt to prune my menagerie when I have gathered enough mental strength!
J x