Ex-stranged (26th June 2008, 10.30am)
As I look at you, I cannot imagine
doing those things we used to behind closed doors;
the urge is gone to rid you of your clothes
and take you where I wanted you: bed, sofa, floor
and, occasionally, more exciting places
that I cannot mention without blushing
at the memory of your distorted faces.
We seem ridiculous, tongue-twisted and
distant; we used to be so tactile, while away
hours of naked skin on skin, and even fully
clothed, nuzzling, entwined on the couch when
I came home; your lap was my favourite cushion;
I never pictured us in this alternate future
where any sort of touch is inappropriate.
So much in the space between us has altered;
the thought of taking you in my mouth,
begging you to push yourself into my private places,
crying in pleasure into your shoulder
and biting down, hard, without thinking,
lost in the oblivion of orgasm, drugged,
shuddering and sinking into calm.
She holds your arm, possessively,
her hackles raised against the hug I gave you
as a greeting; the only permissive physical contact
upon such a meeting. She didn’t want to see me;
this, an accidentalness. I cannot imagine
the two of you naked, writhing together the
way we did; I hope you're happy now.
Comments
jennifer | June 26, 2008 - 09:26
Has the third verse got one too many lines, I wonder if the 'love' one is extraneous?
Dynamaso | June 26, 2008 - 09:55
This is quite titillating but sad too.
I think you may be right about the third verse. You could lose from 'the aftermath...'; the rest feels unnecessary.
Also, don't you mean 'wile away' in the second verse?
Hope you don't think I'm being picky because I did enjoy this despite the above.
chelseyflood | June 26, 2008 - 10:10
I like this.
I didn't think the third verse was too long but I have no poetical knowledge, I'm just going on how it read and it didn't jolt at all.
I didn't like the last line, it made it seem too pedestrian. Until then it is more universal, about loss and love, about losing closeness that seems permanent and how that changes the way you see things, but the final "she seems so ordinary" makes it seem personal and small.
I think you should swap the last line for something that really resonates.
jennifer | June 26, 2008 - 10:52
I'm not sure I've managed it. Lost what you suggested, Dy, but not sure I've got the last line right - I still sound petty.
And I did mean 'while' rather than 'wile'!
Dynamaso | June 27, 2008 - 00:51
Jen, well I've learnt something new. I have only ever seen the expression written as 'wile away' and had no idea it could also be written as 'while away'.
I don't think it would matter what you said at the end of this as any way you put it, some might see as petty. 'I hope you're happy now.' works for me, though.
jennifer | June 27, 2008 - 08:10
They have two entirely different meanings.
'while away' means to spend time or to cause time to pass.
'wile' on the other hand, means deception or trickery, as in 'feminine wiles', so 'wile away' would equate to tricking away time.
The first has a much more innocent connotations, the second has overtones of deviance which I don't think fit here. But then, I have always used 'while away'.
Glad the ending works now...thank you.
shoebox | June 27, 2008 - 14:36
Really good. Yes, the 3rd verse needs the rest of "the thought of taking you..." then you give examples but you don't conclude the thought e.g. the thought of taking you ... is now too much to bear or some such. Just suggesting here. Cheers
jennifer | June 27, 2008 - 14:51
To clarify:
'the thought of taking you in my mouth' is the complete thought and indicates a blow job.
Am I allowed to post this?!
Dynamaso | June 29, 2008 - 03:39
Jen, I'm not trying to be disagreeable, but according to a number of dictionaries, 'wile away' and 'while away' mean virtually the same thing. No wonder the English language is so confusing to those trying to learn it.
jennifer | June 29, 2008 - 09:18
I would only ever recommend the OED (Oxford English Dictionary, to non-English ABCtalers) to anyone seeking a true and precise definition of meaning. If you consult it, you will find that the definitions of 'wile' and 'while' are quite different, as laid out by me above.
Dynamaso | June 29, 2008 - 23:47
Oh, I agree with you. The definitions of 'wile' and 'while' are completely different but the definitions of 'wile away' and 'while away' are very similar. How confusing...
jennifer | June 30, 2008 - 09:59
But, as I have already explained, I cannot divorce the word 'wile' from its individual meaning, hence 'while away'.