Impassioned Meant (9th November, 2008, 7.07pm)
No other love has rent my
spine in half; bent to the left,
my hollowed shoulder carries
chips and cringes as you laugh,
while right hand snaps another
cheap pencil; I take my template
empty page, pick my emotion
stencil and, as the world turns,
my fevered fingers burn, spilling
heart out onto page in impassioned,
all-consuming rage.
No other love has rent my
mind in two; splice the halves as
Destiny carves her initials in the
channels of my brain; how would
I use all this pain if I could not rent
within this vein? I ask only truth;
draw your claws and vent your
spleen; be a martyr to my cause,
by every mean; I shall draw my
finest weapons, call up, lay out those
soldiers, keen
to hear you.
Jennifer Pickup
Comments
Bradene | November 9, 2008 - 19:16
Obviously the reader can only guess at the reasons for creating this much pain and anguish to you, yet it can be applied to most of us, you have caught for instance a mother's anguish when a beloved child has drifted away from the fold and cannot be reasoned with, or a lover's infidelity, so may things can be read into this wonderfully angry spitting fire rage you've managed to portray here. All with a great rhythm and a clever internal rhyme. Another great piece Jennifer. Val
littleditty | November 9, 2008 - 21:34
Impassioned, well writ, cathartic perhaps to write, a piece that gives the reader the impression the writer has scarred the page - is the mention of 'they' unnecessary distraction? i'm not sure, because instinctively i felt who gives a fuck about 'they'! so - perhaps this draws reader in again sympathetically - or is unnecessary becuase as Val says, a reader can't help but empathise with a powerful eloquent voice demanding hurt and anguish be heard - poetry - well done indeed.
jennifer | November 9, 2008 - 21:42
Hmmm, so glad my burning anger has found the right voice here. Thank you for the comments, both - the page is well and truly scarred, Nicky! Perhaps 'you' would work better than 'they', or can you suggest an alternative?
Val - the love could indeed be symbolic of any of those you mention. Shall I retain the ambiguity? No, I shall admit that the love of which I write is the love of writing itself - poetry, really. And the 'they' and the 'you' are, well, YOU! Critics and writers and poets and abctalers. The gauntlet has been thrown down. Have I ruined it?
littleditty | November 10, 2008 - 00:59
Ha! You may meet my dear friend Nanny Nomore. She had enough, and she blew, reams -un/fortunately a bunch of cheeky littl'uns superglued her rather large arse to the naughty step, and because of her tight fitting boiler suit, ample bosom, and comfortable shoes, she hasn't been able to escape yet -
- how about 'chips, and cringes at laughter'
'chips, cringes at (their/your) laughter'
or stay with your original, it flows ok -
if you choose 'your' it reflects the 'your' used in 2nd stanza.
jennifer | November 10, 2008 - 07:57
Good point about the 'your' and the reflection! Thank you for the input, this is much better than my other attempt at writing this evening!
Silver Spun Sand | November 11, 2008 - 08:42
An impassioned write, Jennifer and I found your explanation fascinating. I read it again, for a second time and thought, yes, of course.
As usual, an excellent piece which I feel the richer for having read.
Thank you.
Tina
jennifer | November 11, 2008 - 14:34
Littleditty - have simply changed the 'they laugh' to 'you laugh' so as not to lose the internal rhyme with 'half', which I would if I used 'laughter' as per your other suggestions.
Thank you for the comments, everyone, and for the cherries, ABC!
J x
MistakenMagic | November 11, 2008 - 21:55
An incredibly intriguing poem Jennifer! My favourite lines;
'splice the halves as
Destiny carves her initials in the
channels of my brain'
All your imagery was so unique but for some reason these lines stood out to me the most :) I also love the word 'splice', has a great sound and adds to my enjoyment of the poem! Well simple pleasure eh?
Great work!
Magic xxx