Let the silk slide soft to the floor:
red dress for disguised innocence,
made up, painted on to make believe
she has the lock to take his key.
The time has come, begin.
The time has come, begin.
The greed slides, lascivious,
snake shape on the carpet; burn, burn
the candles flutter, abundant
and the bed beckons, as she yearns
to be turned over on sheets snow
white, a storm of evanescence
in the dim light of his delight;
rise and fall of practised motions.
She thinks about the ice creams that they ate,
sitting ducks in the rain, on the park bench
side by side; he held her hand, called her name
and it all seemed so 'Pride and Prejudice'.
Aftermath, sweat glistens on skin
as she considers the first sin;
bleed, bleed, spill guilt like wine divine;
eyes candle-warm, and luminous.
And the time wears thin.
And the time wears thin.
Word count: 153
Comments
celticman | May 18, 2009 - 20:55
ahem. Not happy about winning one competition. You want to win the poetry as well. What did your mum tell you about being greedy?
Sikander | May 18, 2009 - 20:56
I really liked this. Some truly beautiful images and language play.
I loved the second to last stanza:
Aftermath, sweat glistens on skin
as she considers the first sin;
bleed, bleed, spill guilt like wine divine;
eyes candle-warm, and luminous.
Gorgeous stuff - you can almost taste it!
Only one line jarred for me and that was 'she has the lock to take his key' - only say this because that apart I thought this such a tremendous poem.
Thank you and best of luck with the comp.
jennifer | May 18, 2009 - 21:05
Thank you, celticman, you are going to give me a big head! It just came to me tonight after weeks of poetry block!
Sikander - that's my favourite verse too. Thanks for your feedback about that line, but since this is a competition entry, I can't really alter it now, so it'll have to stay! Am very flattered by the 'tremendous', thank you!
J x
Dynamaso | May 19, 2009 - 00:17
Now this is going to provide some stiff competition for others. Excellent work, Jen, full of great imagery and rhythm. Good luck.
SundaysChild | May 19, 2009 - 02:03
Very enjoyable.
I really liked:
'he held her hand, called her name
and it all seemed so 'Pride and Prejudice.'
Good luck with the competition :)
jennifer | May 19, 2009 - 12:40
Thank you, guys! Glad you both liked it, and thank you for the well-wishings!
J x
threeleafshamrock | May 21, 2009 - 10:13
OK, THAT'S IT! I officially give up! How are ordinary 'Joe's' like us supposed to win anything if you keep entering? I thought you were writing a book or something?
Seriously though this is very, very good indeed; well done! Just popping out for a cold shower! ;)
Chris XX
Bradene | May 21, 2009 - 16:42
Great writing as usual. this will be hard to beat. Val x Good luck
jennifer | May 21, 2009 - 20:41
Hi Chris - yes, I am writing a book! If you'd like to read it, I'd really appreciate your amazingly complimentary feedback! (hehe!) It seems that now I've started, as Ewan commented, I really cannot stop writing. To the point that, as soon as I finish the book, I might just keep going and write a sequel! Hope the shower cooled you off! ;)
Val - thank you so much, good luck to you too!
J x
mariaduffy | June 9, 2009 - 18:54
Wow! I'm finally getting around to reading some of your posts and this is fantastic. I'm feeling silly for even entering mine now, with competition like this! I love the internal rhyming and alliteration. It flows like a dream. Wonderful. Maria x
jennifer | June 9, 2009 - 20:15
Thank you very much, Maria, for taking the time to read and for your appreciation. Your own work flows like a dream, I think you have as much chance of winning as anyone else!
J x
jennifer | June 26, 2009 - 20:34
Thank you very much, Julie, that's quite a compliment! I usually have a dictionary near to me when I read so I can look up the big words, I learn new ones everyday I read this site!
J x
Cavalcaderl | August 1, 2009 - 16:22
new hi! jennifer gradually reading all, this is exquisite as hubby's computer on table difficult to get hold of.The words and description are, fascinating and suspense.Big words coming out everywhere I must look some up. well done. julie x