Seabird (30th May 2008, 2.23am)
You drop me on the floor of my pride
and watch me shatter with glee,
wings furled and useless, pen-free,
caged within the pixelated screen;
I would like to take the time
to rub my ego up against you,
as if decency did not matter
and anything I wrote would not offend you;
you take my words and you criticise,
chip away at the chips I wear,
carried on my shoulders like burdens,
excess to spare; you hand out like crumbs
your compliments to me, screeching
madly to the floor of my pride
on which you scatter them, hungry,
like a scrawny seabird scavenging,
lusting after the praise you hold out of reach,
scrabbling with my tired, raw beak
at any morsel left to find within the mess
that I fondly like to call my poetry.
Comments
jennifer | May 30, 2008 - 10:20
Disclaimer: I absolutely love it when people criticise and comment on my work, making suggestions for improvement - this is exactly the reason I post work on and love abctales - to improve and develop myself as a writer. Please comment and feel free to rip anything I write apart - this is the only way that I will learn and become the writer I wish to be! (I also appreciate it very much when someone has enjoyed or admired some of my words and leaves a compliment - this gives me such a lift, thank you!)
keleph | May 30, 2008 - 12:17
Here's another crumb of praise, Jennifer: the metaphor of the bird is PERFECT! I really love the image of its raw beak scraping the floor.
jennifer | May 30, 2008 - 13:44
Thank you, I very much appreciate being told when I get it right! High praise indeed! Squawk!
sunshine | May 30, 2008 - 19:32
Agree, a very effective analogy. This has a great energy and a sense of determination coming through. I'm totally sure of the repetition of "floor of my pride" which is a fabulous opening but seems (to me) to jar with it's second appearance.
jennifer | May 30, 2008 - 21:47
Eek I had not noticed the repetition, completely unintentional. What to put the second time instead? Base of my life? My keyboard knife? Ground on which I write?
Any help welcomed!
Aloe | June 1, 2008 - 14:04
Yep i really like the bird too maybe 'base' of your pride or something about tiles? I have an image of a bird squawking and slipping on a tiled floor the second time around..
Dynamaso | June 3, 2008 - 07:21
I really enjoy the analogy too and particularly like the off-meter ryhmes (even if these weren't intentional).
This is a great flight of fancy... (Sorry, couldn't resist the pun).
Dynamaso | June 3, 2008 - 11:53
Oh yes, and you might enjoy my 'flight of fancy'. If you can, have a look at my poem 'To The Skies'. I'd be interested to hear your opinion.