Teachologue (27th Jan, 2009, 1.44pm)
Write the date first, at the top,
follow the conventions…
What are you doing? Red is my colour, mine,
that’s why I trained to be a teacher!
Black, blue or pencil. Yes, you can borrow one,
but I want it back…
Resources, trees – don’t screw it up!
Flat for the recycling…
Don’t throw it!
Use a ruler to underline,
Don’t bend it! There will be no
sado-masochistic activity in
my classroom. No, that means don’t hit him!
What you do to each other in your own time
is really none of my business.
Yes, that’s right, start a new page.
How many times? A book cannot be gay;
books don’t have sexual preferences.
Who’s banging who? What? Oh, it means
something different to me…
Right, spellings…
Because it’s important. Because Word is a
computer programme and isn’t always right.
Because it’s programmed by Americans.
Yes, they spell funny.
That’s not racist, it’s possibly xenophobic, but…
let’s just call it corrupted.
Time for poetry.
It’s not hard. Alright, it’s a little hard.
Ambiguity. Say it. Spell it. Copy it down.
It’s on the board. Well, in that case, time for
a trip to the opticians. Should have gone to
Specsavers? Well, yes I did, actually. Contacts.
Yes, they are my natural colour. Oh, thank you.
Hang on a minute, poetry.
It’s on the board. Then move closer.
Yes, I find this a bit boring too, you
could say it was repetitive. Use a dictionary.
Where they usually are.
BLACK, BLUE OR PENCIL!
I’ve heard it before. I used to use that one myself,
back when I was your age. Oh, about 1904.
Comments
MistakenMagic | January 27, 2009 - 15:27
This is brilliant Jen! I get a real feel for the classroom and the frustration I must have caused my teachers as a younger student - well according to my history teacher I still cause him enough frustration (yesterday I corrected all his spelling on the board).
This is hilarious;
'Don’t bend it! There will be no
sado-masochistic activity in
my classroom. No, that means don’t hit him!
What you do to each other in your own time
is really none of my business.'
and this;
How many times? A book cannot be gay;
books don’t have sexual preferences.
Magic xxx
jennifer | January 27, 2009 - 15:31
What's really funny is that this is almost an exact transcript of my lessons today! Hilarious!
And keep on correcting that History teacher - remind him that there are new government initiatives about Literacy Across the Curriculum!
J x
lenchenelf | January 27, 2009 - 15:45
It's a wonder your teeth aren't ground to stumps :-) This is a performance piece for the new age, Joyce Grenfell move over :-)Smashing atb L
Bradene | January 27, 2009 - 15:50
Absolutely agree with Lenchelf, pure Joyce grenfell, I could just see and hear it all Jennifer. Wonderful writing. Val x
jennifer | January 27, 2009 - 16:03
Wow, thanks guys! I would love to perform it - I keep meaning to organise an ABC event in Bristol but havne't got there yet, far too busy! Maybe in the summer!
J x
shoebox | January 27, 2009 - 16:12
Delicious & well done. Authentic flavour. Thanks for posting it. :)
Bradene | January 27, 2009 - 16:22
I've just performed it to my husband and he thought it was great. Your poem and my performance! Lol No really he thought it was splendid. val x
Ewan | January 27, 2009 - 17:47
Really, really good Jen. I would love to see it performed too.
Ewan
threeleafshamrock | January 27, 2009 - 21:09
Absolutely magical! I had a distinct 'Deja Vu' moment while absorbing this wonderful piece. As previous readers, I would love to see this enacted. Brings back some wonderful memories from long (very long) ago. I envy your students - both their school days and their teacher.
Chris X
Dynamaso | January 28, 2009 - 05:26
What a excellent piece, Jen. I could almost smell chalk in the air (okay, now I'm really showing my age - you probably use whiteboards these days, right?)
jennifer | January 28, 2009 - 08:29
Yes, I am lucky in that I work in a brand new school and we have not only whiteboards but computers and projectors in every classroom, and some even have interactive whiteboards (linked to computer...whizzy things!)
The funny thing was that when I was training, we were being taught about interactive whiteboards at Uni by our course leader using a roll-stule green 'blackboard' and chalk! Hilarious!
Thank you for the comments, everyone!
J x
tamara (not verified) | January 28, 2009 - 15:41
A fantastic,entertaining read-Top class!x
Nathan Bednarek | January 28, 2009 - 17:52
Wow this is so good. It reminds me of the good old days (that being about three years ago ;-p) when I and my friends liked to turn into little devils and torture our teacher. I now understand what teachers have to go through thanks to your brilliant piece of writing here ;-)
Thank you for your brilliant and very entertaining poem. Good work, well done.
Nathan.
Yutka | January 28, 2009 - 18:02
I enjoyed this very much, a brilliant way to portray
a teacher's dilemma. Gosh, how glad I am not having gone for that job!
Yutka:)
jennifer | January 28, 2009 - 19:50
Thank you for your comments, folks!
Just wish to point out that even though it is sometimes frustrating, and I have to fend off a million questions at once, I absolutely LOVE my job -
It is what inspires me to write - it has suddenly occurred to me, the reason for my 'dry patch' over Christmas - I owe most of my words to the children!
J x
Jasper_Milvain | January 28, 2009 - 21:45
I loved the poem too.
Perhaps a book can't be gay, but surely it can be well gay, especially if it's got Shakespeare's name on the front.
Well, he may have been a bit gay as it goes. Oh God, am I going to regret saying that...
Yes. I loved the poem. Scarily real.
JM
jennifer | January 28, 2009 - 21:50
'It's well gay, innit, Miss? It's crusty. Wat? I ain't done nuffink.'
and today,
'What if none of these writers actually wrote this stuff? How do we know someone didn't just come along and make it up like, ten years ago? Shakespeare was that bloke that did Romeo & Juliet, wasn't he?'
'Yes, the play, though, not the film.'
Light begins to dawn...I was trying to get them to understand how things were different in the 1600s. No planes, no tv, no sex before marriage, no jobs for women...they were a little taken aback by the thought!
J x
luigi_pagano | January 29, 2009 - 19:31
Yes, very redolent of Joyce Grenfell - it shows how old I am - but so relevant to today's youth and the effort that goes into teaching them.
So many good lines and laughs in this poem.
I have picked this:
"What are you doing? Red is my colour, mine,
that’s why I trained to be a teacher!"
Do you realise that you are not being PC? Haven't you heard that by marking in red demoralises the pupils? The poor lambs!
Anyway, carry on regardless. You have my blessings.
Luigi x
jennifer | January 29, 2009 - 20:48
Ha! I don't mark in green because it is my unlucky colour; I love purple, but purple posh pens are expensive...so red is the only one, since the students (are supposed to) write in black, blue or pencil!
When I was training, an older teacher was taking me into his class to demonstrate (and he was one of the best teachers I have ever seen). He handed me a red pen and said 'this is your most important accessory'.
No PC nonsense for me!!! The red ticks and good comments in red seem to have a positive effect - don't forget, red stands for lifeblood, hearts, love, roses, excitement, sexiness, Father Christmas, Maltesers, strawberries, CHERRIES - all the good stuff!
Thank you for your lovely comment, Luigi!
J x