Witch Bitch (8th June 2008, 4.40pm)
The punctuation and spelling witch sits,
twitching, staring at the screen
which is bewitching,
bemused, wondering
where all the dictionaries have gone,
whether computers have destroyed the
ability of humans to
communicate in English;
good old, plain, stupid English,
with its complex rules,
nonsensicality
and dots and dashes that bend the truth;
just a silly game to some;
lifeblood, money earnt, beloved
to more than one.
Who are these pale imitations,
Sorcerers that claim to know their stuff?
Did they listen in school?
What on earth went wrong?
Have they heard of Lynne Truss?
Have they read David Crystal?
How can they rest when they don’t know
how to manipulate language properly?
The spelling and punctuation witch sits,
wondering which of the writers
that claim they love writing
realise how they are
desecrating her world.
Is this a one-woman battle?
Can she gather her cronies,
at the double, double, make some trouble,
wave a magic wand and solve
the abc language problem,
setting the site free to make sense again?
Can the witch be a bitch
and get away with spite,
if she cloaks her words in guise
of poetry?
Comments
Ewan | June 8, 2008 - 15:47
NO, she can't.
Velcome to zee Grammar Nazis' club! I hope you are prepared to be unpopular!
Very clever and witty piece.
Regards
Ewan
jennifer | June 8, 2008 - 16:00
Why thank you, Ewan.
I'd rather be unpopular and say what I think than popular and two-faced in my suppressed silence!
Ve shall be vatching ze vork you publish...
Caldwell | June 8, 2008 - 16:02
Very nice. Very funny. I must look up Lynne Truss.
mikepyro | June 8, 2008 - 23:51
very nice, I don't know a few of the people you referenced so I might have missed a few bits, but I really enjoyed it. biting and sarcasticly well done.
Dynamaso | June 9, 2008 - 03:59
Let me say this; I would hate to fall under the wrath of the punctuation witch and I pray I'm not guilty of any misdemeanors in this area.
jennifer | June 9, 2008 - 07:04
Don't worry, I'm sure she'll let you know if she's in a vindictive enough mood, heaven knows she's guilty of errors herself...
animan | June 9, 2008 - 07:04
potarto potayto
tomayto tomarto
misdemeanors misdemeanours
jennifer | June 9, 2008 - 07:06
Just to prove that you're cleverer than me, animan?!
animan | June 9, 2008 - 07:59
Not all - I was just musing on the whole left Atlantic right, Atlantic spelling thing. Sorry if I offended - I didn't mean to.
jennifer | June 9, 2008 - 09:45
I don't get offended by banter, only the misuse of or just plain bad speling, grammer, and, punctuation.
Your retort was very witty!
Caldwell | June 9, 2008 - 11:06
The Witch loses the flow when she gets wrapped up in bitching:
How can they rest when they don’t know
how to manipulate language properly?
I like your poetry cloak, it's hypnotic. I bet you get that a lot at parties.
jennifer | June 9, 2008 - 11:16
Well, I was too incensed to force it all to scan properly. It needed to come out, there and then!
And I never wear cloaks to parties, it hides my beautiful figure. *winks*
tcook | June 9, 2008 - 17:51
And Lynne Truss lives round the corner from me - so we have to be very careful when we put out local leaflets etc. or she complains!
animan | June 10, 2008 - 10:37
'grammer' !! (re. June 9, 2008 - 09:45). Vot iz zis?!
Regards,
Ewan
jennifer | June 10, 2008 - 11:25
Haha - read ze post again. Zere are three deliberate mistakes. I vas trying to be clever and vitty.
You didn't spot ze other two, Grammar Nazi!
animan | June 10, 2008 - 13:25
Doh.
Regards,
Homer
Bradene | November 11, 2008 - 19:06
I have her book right in front of me Lynne truss I mean. I still get confused by the apostrohpe but my dictionary is my bible. I don't trust the spell check ever. I hate certain thing too but whenever I point them out at UKA I get told I'm old fashioned. Things like Should of could of etc' and people who will insist on sounding the H on aitch. It drives me mad. Trouble is I get a little nervous about arguing with them too much because I missed rather a lot of my education through illness at a crucial time and I'm always scared in case I've remembered what I did manage to learn incorrectly. The rest I have taught myself through constant reading and sheer pig headedness. Unfortunately my punctuation does let me down so nit pick away Jennifer. Val x