Princess Diana:The Freaks Who Followed Her

For the past two years an underground group has been amassing
members from all around the world. This subversive group share thoughts
over the Internet and attempt to undermine the free society that we
live in today. They are the Dianaites. My dislike for this group of
people stemmed from the first couple of weeks after Princess Diana's
death. The television was full of touching programmes on her charity
work and there was so much Elton John on the radio I could have
screamed. The newspapers were filled with pictures of mounds of flowers
and candles left by the mourning public. Personally I believe this
potentially lethal mixture was a conspiracy to burn down the Palace
started by irate admirers who wanted the Union Jack to fly at
half-mast. This was an outcry against an "unsympathetic" royal family
who maintained the British stiff upper lip throughout the period of
mourning. Unfortunately if the Queen did cry I can visualize a
headlines "Queen shows her crocodile tears" and "Is that all Diana's
worth Ma'am". The Great British uproar came from those who held Diana
closest to their hearts, the Dianaites.

The true Dianaite is as morally good as Diana was, which allows them
to have extra-marital affairs and abandon their children when they
fancy a holiday. The Dianaites are a group of people that I could never
grow tired of verbally abusing, due to their hypocritical ways, but
don't get me wrong I have nothing against the late Princess Diana. She
probably did some lovely things in her life, but I don't think she was
the person that the Dianaites have grown to idolise. Some Dianaites
have said Diana should have a sainthood and another said that a
sainthood is "a insult to someone who could have been the messiah
visiting again". Perhaps they should take note of some of thing things
that the true Saints did and compare them to Diana and see who is the
better person. I sincerely doubt that a 19 year old woman that led her
country against invaders was not a better person than someone who
happened to point out that landmines blowing children's legs off was a
bad thing. A Dianaite's compassion is based on the idea that Diana
suffered an awful marriage because being surrounded by diamonds and
Versace dresses is worse than being mentally or physically
abused.

Disguised as a suburban housewife the extreme Dianaite has devoted a
large section of her life and her semi-detached house to her Diana
memorabilia. She has stacks of jigsaw puzzles, books and her precious
Diana scrapbook, which includes thousands of newspaper cuttings and
tabloid inserts. At this time I feel it is time for a confession. I did
own a commemorative jigsaw from Diana's engagement, although for only
three weeks. The jigsaw found a more loving home with an artist friend
who used it as part of piece of modern art on anger. She did this by
throwing it at a wall. The house of a Dianaite is filled the beautiful
sound of Elton John's "Candle in the Wind". Repetitively. Every day.
These people have failed to notice that they are obsessed; they eat,
sleep and breathe Diana. This may sound unfeasible, but when it is
possible to buy a replica of Diana's official British driver's licence
a drink, duvet cover and a chocolate bar don't sound implausible.

The Dianaites are huge hypocrites who four years ago would have
laughed at the poke-your-highness joke, but now it is highly offensive
and disrespectful. They campaign to ban the paparazzi and tabloid
newspapers but God forbid that they miss out on The Sun's latest Diana
special with photographs of her grave taken from a helicopter. A
Dianaite's belief in her namesake fuels her life and it is the reason
she continues. A high-tech Dianaite can spend a large percent of their
time reading Diana websites, but if they find one that is not to their
taste they threaten the author with abusive e-mail and accuse him of
being crude and immature. Perhaps the jokes are offensive, but this
country has a system of free press and it is going to take more than
one person to convince a government that no one should be able to
criticise Diana. Perhaps Diana's death has left the Dianaites
permanently shocked and unable to function normally.

All Dianaites were personally stunned at her death because of their
close relationship they had with her through the media, the same media
that they believe hounded her and caused her death. They truly believe
that on the 31st of August the whole world was too shocked to move, but
I don't remember suffering from temporary paralysis then or any other
day related to Diana's death. This idea of mass grief sounds far
fetched, but it is not the most bizarre thing for a Dianaite to say.
The conspiracy theories surrounding her death have gone from the
bizarre to the sublime. The idea that Prince Philip and the Queen
Mother plotted the whole thing is peculiar to say the least and any
theory based around the existence of extraterrestrials is taking things
a little too far. Fortunately unlike Elvis there have been no reported
sighting of her alive, so she hasn't reached the status of "undead" and
she won't be because Princess Diana wasn't buried in the Pet Cemetery
and she isn't Jesus.

Perhaps what the Dianaites need is a reality check. Before they put
Diana on a pedestal that she is likely to fall off they should consider
one thing; "Is what I am doing now really helping anybody?" because
their answer would probably be "No". I which case I can only advise
them to stop idolising someone who did some good things in her life,
and instead of blind devotion they should use her as a role model,
because the world needs more people to make this world a better place
and we can not rely on Princes Diana to do it for us anymore.