Part thy soil
raise green grass
an inch,
ah, an inch will do
for ashen capers
to seep on through.
Coal hair, slick
from human spit
acquired through screams
which they lit,
backed by cape
of mortal drape.
Over cobbles, glide!
to where resides
the purest hide,
past watchmen and lamps
up palace steps
whet, oh appetite whet!
Now the halls
marble clean
with chequered walls,
move from shriek to flail
mount the stair
of golden rail.
From a leaded pane
the moon doth show
with fading stature
their time is moving
hurry! scurry!
faster, brooding.
Crumple guards with a stare
gain admittance to the pair,
spread the velvet
float on high
royal blood
within the eye.
SINK. CUT. BLOOD.
Clitter clatter
pitter patter
hooves throbbing
maids sobbing
dash
mouth agape
trickle red
tongue of serpent
eyes o' the dead
rising sun
from a distant peak
hold your time
it's under we seek
fly!
show them all
above the roofs
of dreary dwellings
prickle of light
skin, swelling
descend!descend!
around Hell's bend
an inch will do
pierce thy soil
bone about to boil
we're through, we're through!
As the horses neigh
and the royals pray
"See where Satan showed his skin,"
they'll say, they'll say.
Comments
keleph | March 30, 2008 - 01:15
intriguing meaning... the evils of wealth? the existence of objective evil? an inherent evil in humanity, expressed in a need to experience evil? a rejection of st.Augustine's "evil is a lack of good" theory?
for me its all there (as i say it needs more time to sink into the unconcious) hence the intriguing...
on the poetic technique side, i felt you made this style work better in your "Life" poem. at times in this the rhythm felt kinda cluncky. Where this style works great for you is its freedom of description a la " pitter patter...", these snapshots of description can be brilliant.
tidy up the rhythm, be careful with the rhyme (dont force it) and this style could fit you like a glove.
well... thats just my humble opinion.
well done.
Ewan | March 30, 2008 - 14:09
Bloody Hell! Twice in a row, I find myself in agreement with keleph (I'm going to lie down k, never mind sit down! :-))
I don't reckon this needs a great deal of editing, just tinkering. I have one reservation, about the first line of the second stanza... it takes a lot of chutzpah to carry off anything starting with a vocative, ('oh windy eve).
Liked it, always good to see people experimenting with 'voice'.
Doeslittle | March 30, 2008 - 16:45
Really a brilliant piece that I hope is read by more people than me, Keleph and Ewan. Thought it was very striking, it even frightened me a bit...unnerved me. I agree with Ewan re second stanza - though I wasn't keen on the whole stanza - didn't like 'oh windy eve', but then didn't feel that the rest of the stanza fitted with the others or was up to the standard of the others and it REALLY is of a high standard in my opinion.
LawOfTheOne | March 30, 2008 - 22:34
Thanks for the responses Keleph, Ewan and Doeslittle, as always, much appreciated.
I agree about the 2nd stanza. Reading it again it adds nothing to the poem as a whole and I've cut it completely.
The style is SORT of cluncky I suppose, but I wanted it to pulse and flow as you read it.
Basically Keleph, I saw a programme about a vampire frenzy that swept through central Europe during the 1800's. The things people did and believed, amazing. Anyway, I couldn't get the whole idea of it out of my head so I wrote this.
And here's me thinking I had ample chutzpah. :)
mikepyro | April 2, 2008 - 22:07
Very nice. A bit rough in style, but nonetheless some fantastic imagery and memorable lines.
well done man.
LawOfTheOne | April 3, 2008 - 15:46
Thanks mikepyro. Glad you liked it, and thought some of it was fantastic. Just need to get it all that good. :)