Far from a middling crowd of Mille
feuille letters, synthentic cream tea
conversation, wisdom rusks
rehydrated in bottled corporate water;
I spread my hunger bare limbed,
restless, amongst delicate wobbling
egg custard bloom banquet,
ranged a la Russe on verdant napkin,
nakedly roused by spring rains'
quick wit, effortless bandinage
pattered, nuturing talent yet to erupt
for this seasons performance,
breathless.
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Minor edit 05.07.09
Comments
jennifer | March 3, 2009 - 10:06
May I re-punctuate? Try this:
'Far from a middling crowd of Mille
Feuille letters; synthentic cream tea
Conversation; wisdom rusks
Rehydrated in bottled corporate water;
I spread my hunger, bare-limbed,
Restless, amongst delicate, wobbling
Egg custard bloom banquet,
Ranged a la Russe on verdant teacloth
Hillside, nakedly roused by spring rains'
Quick wit; effortless bandinage
Pattered, nuturing talent yet to erupt
For this seasons performance;
I hold my breath.'
What do you think?
J x
littleditty | March 3, 2009 - 10:44
me too! Springs spring soon to be sprung, liked the scene, and the anticipation -neat poem :)
lenchenelf | March 3, 2009 - 13:46
Thank you Little D, race you up the Hill (gasp, wheeze, oo me knees, I'm too old for this :-) ) atb Lx
lenchenelf | March 4, 2009 - 17:17
Hi J, the punctuation could be changed as you suggest, but I did hope that a faster pace set by commas might compact the movement of the piece to result in breathlessness. Will have a Thunk, Ta for your input L
04.03.09
Reviewed the piece, slight edit on wording atb L
jennifer | March 4, 2009 - 18:21
Yes, I completely see where you're coming from - it works well your way, teacher will shush now!
J x