Too Late


from the ABC set Typically Me 2008

Falling, stalling
Slipping away,
Night after night,
Day after day.

The sky seemed hazy,
The brightness was gone,
And he was slipping away,
On this rusty dawn.

Watching as he slipped away,
His brother sat next to him,
As the blood pulsed from his wounds,
And his eyes began to dim.

Lying, dying,
Gasping for breath,
He couldn't even whisper,
For each breath was death.

Amidst the haze
Amidst the pain,
He felt the fear,
And felt himself drain.

These wounds,
They wouldn't heal,
These wounds,
They were all he could feel.

In the hospital,
Surrounded by white,
He could do nothing,
Except wait for the light.

For days, for nights,
He had been here,
But the bleeding wouldn't stop,
And his end was drawing near.

This bleeding,
This internal bleeding,
Had left no room for thought,
As he had been pleading.

Pleading for life,
Pleading for death,
He could only wait,
Until he drew his last breath.

His brother sitting next to him,
He could not feel his touch,
And his time left,
Oh he knew it wasn't much.

Falling, stalling
Slipping away,
Night after night,
Day after day.

The end would come,
It would be quick,
It would come fast,
To think this had started with a kick.

I'm sorry,
He wanted to say,
I'm sorry,
He wanted to stay.

Lying, dying,
Choking back tears,
He couldn't even speak,
He gave into his fears.

It was his fault,
On that night weeks ago,
It was his fault,
That he had only watched the blood flow.

Now he was dying,
Lying on this bed,
Internal sleep would come,
And then he would be dead.

Sighing, dying,
He knew this was death,
Lying, crying,
He gave into death.

Watching as he slipped away,
His brother bowed his head,
His brother gone,
This was his deathbed.

~End~

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Comments

mykle | March 19, 2008 - 15:20

I think this has promise, Leno, but I feel it needs a really good edit.
These are the bits I would concentrate on…
Of course you may choose different ones –
but it should be shorter.
Hope this helps :)

In the hospital,
Surrounded by white,
He could do nothing,
Except wait for the light.

Falling, stalling, slipping away,
Fading slowly, day after day.
Lying, dying,
Gasping for breath,
He couldn't even whisper,
For each breath was death

Sighing, dying,
Empty inside
Lying, crying,
He gave up and died.

Green_14 | June 5, 2008 - 09:34

I'd have to agree. It could use more edits but is basically fine as it is the mid poem shouldn't have to be shortened though. People manage to feel what is wrong with their work and this is just fine.