Life and Imitation, Chapter 7, The List

7. Life and Imitation

Saturday. I wake with heart palpitations and a sweaty forehead. I cannot contain the smile on my face. The corners of my mouth irrepressibly turn upwards. It feels funny. I don’t know if I’ll get used to this feeling.

I am spending the day with the White family. Rose wants to take me to the seaside. She wants to spend time with me.

For the first time in months, I look in the mirror; I want to look decent. Sharp ice blue strikes out at me. I wince. Quickly, I comb my hair and wash my face. I look alright, for a dead teenager.

Rose and her family are ready and waiting for me in the car, all smiles and laughter. Lily sits in the back, wrapped in a blanket, Rose beside her. Tentatively, I climb into the vacant seat. I catch Lily’s eye very briefly; I can’t quite read her expression.

“So, are you ready for your dip in the sea, Jude?” Mrs. White calls to me from the front.

‘But it’s autumn.’ I blurt out.

No one said anything about swimming in the ice cold sea. I don’t even know if dead people can swim.

Rose laughs at me,‘Yes! We all take a dip in it. Sort of a family tradition. It is freezing though! You’ll love it, I’m sure.'

‘I’m sure he will.’ Lily chimes in.

I look over to her. She’s facing forwards. I try to catch her attention but she remains staring fixedly at the front seat. There’s anger in her voice, I’m sure of it. I sit quietly, scared to upset her further.

‘Lily loves the beach, don’t you Lils?’ Rose says.

‘I used to. When I could swim. When I didn’t have to wear thousands of blankets because I might pass out.’

The silence is deadly. I don’t know what to say. I’ve never seen Lily behave like this. It’s Mrs. White who breaks the silence.

‘Lily, if you want to go back... I just thought you’d enjoy it.’

The hurt in her voice is obvious. I sneak a look at Lily- her expression visibly softens and I think I see a stray tear.

‘No, I do want to go. I just wish I could swim in the sea, like I used to. That’s all.’

The remainder of the journey is tense and strained. This is a different side to the White family: this is a struggle.

All the while, I feel like an alien intruder. Here they are, trying to forget about Lily’s illness, and I bring the distinct scent of death along with me. I surround them with death. How selfish must I be? I need to leave this family alone.

Only I know that I can’t; Rose draws me in. I cannot imagine staying away from her; I need to be beside her. My pain is... less. I forget I am dead when I’m around her.

Mrs. White lays down a blanket on the rocky sand. She then pulls out her reading book and a hand-held radio. Mr. White shuffles down beside her.
‘You guys should go off and explore. Have some fun. Your dad and I will look after the stuff.’

With that, Rose grabs mine and Lily’s hands, stalking off with us towards the sea. Scanning around, she then plonks us down onto the rocks.

‘So, what shall we do?’ Rose asks us.

Lily doesn’t say anything. She just stares at the pebbles.

‘Lily, are you listening?’ she persists.

‘Yes.’ Lily replies through clenched teeth.

‘What is wrong with you?’ Rose finally sighs.

Lily looks at her for a moment. I can see the surface water swell in her eyes.

‘Nothing,’ she says quietly.

‘Well you’ve been in a right mood all day. So something’s wrong, isn’t it?’

I look to Rose incredulously. Of course there’s something wrong. Lily is dying.

‘It’s nothing,’ Lily whispers, tears evident in her voice.

‘You should be bouncing off the walls! You heard the doctor, didn’t you? An improvement! That means there’s still hope!’

Rose is red faced and indignant. Lily remains quiet and guarded.

‘Rose, you don’t know what you’re talking about.’ she sighs.

‘Why not? Why can’t you just hope?’ Rose begs.

Tears now emanate from her voice- I feel uncomfortable.

Very quietly, Lily replies, ‘We hoped before and it spread. It will keep spreading. You heard the doctor, and I know my body... I’m dying, Rose. You said you’d accepted it.’

‘I have, I have... but I can’t help but think positively when the doctor says that! Surely it must have made you feel a bit better?’

Rose is full on crying now. Lily is quiet, but tearful. I want to leave, but I don’t know how- I shouldn’t be here.

She remains calm as she explains,‘It does... for a second. Then my body reminds me that I’m sick. Then we come here and I remember I’m sick because I can’t go in the water, because I’m wrapped up in thousands of blankets, because mum and dad have a wheelchair in the back just in case walking gets too much for me.’

‘Lily... please... you’re my sister. You have to have some hope. I don’t...I can't...’

She's unable to finish, her words swallowed whole by her tears. Lily takes Rose’s hand and kisses it.

‘Ok, ok, shhh. I’ll try. I promise.’

Rose looks lovingly into her sister’s eyes- I think of Molly.

‘Thank you.’ Rose whispers.

Then she rests her head on Lily’s arm. I take them in. Such a strong bond, you would think nothing could break it, but I know that death can, and it will. Death breaks everything.

‘You know what you could do for me?’ Lily says.

‘What?’ Rose replies quietly.

‘Go and get me a hot chocolate! I’m freezing!’ she laughs.

I immediately interject, ‘I’ll go.’

‘No,’ Lily replies quickly, ‘Rose can do it. She knows what I like.’

As Rose gets up to leave, I see that same detached look in Lily’s eyes from the car. Only this time, she’s looking at me.

‘Alright, don’t talk about me too much!’ Rose shouts as she runs towards the shop.

We stare in silence for at least a minute. I don’t know what to say- she looks at me so knowingly, so penetratingly, that I am frozen. It’s Lily who breaks the spell.

‘I know what you are.’

I turn to stone.

‘What do you mean?’ I say rigidly, defensively.

She emits a strange laugh as she replies, ‘Don’t play stupid, Jude. I’ve seen you before. You took my friend. I remember...I was almost crossing over... I could see the light far away, and I saw a figure. It was you. Sharp ice blue. I knew I recognised you- you took Celia on. When I came back, when they revived me, she was dead. You took her away, to death.’

She stops for a breath, her eyes are watery again. I don’t know how to reply. How do I tell her and protect my secret? Is my secret already compromised?

‘Lily, I think you must be hallucinating. I don’t know what you mean-’

‘You do,’ she interrupts, ‘you have an air of death. That’s why no one speaks to you. That’s why everyone fears you. Rose, she puts on a front, for me. She pretends not to fear you so that she almost believes it. Same for my mum and dad., but really they do fear... I’m the only one who... I am not afraid of you.’

I lean in closer to her, intrigued by the boldness of this fragile girl. I feel anger for the first time in years. Anger that she could reveal my secret, anger that she says Rose is pretending.

‘Why don’t you fear me?’ I breathe almost menacingly. I don’t know where it is coming from, but I cannot stop my rage.

‘Because I’ve seen what happens,' she continues calmly, 'I saw where you took Celia- it looked peaceful. Besides, there’s no point fighting the inevitable. I’m dying, plain as that.’

My breathing is heavy and disjointed, as Lily looks defiantly at me. The rage is still there.

‘Jude, I think you fear me. Why?’

She looks at me so earnestly, so determined, that I answer through the rage.

‘Because I could never accept- I can’t accept it. I can’t move... on.’

And suddenly the rage dissolves. I lean back from Lily. The sparkling green of her eyes soothes me, and I feel ashamed.

‘Why are you interested in Rose?’ Lily asks quietly.

I think for a moment. Why do I like Rose? I try to find the right words.

‘She sees me for me.’

Lily stares at me and I am powerless under her gaze.

‘Jude, I won’t tell your secret. I’ll keep quiet. I’ll let you do whatever it is you’re doing, but you need to be prepared for the chance that when you take me, Rose will fear you. She won’t want to be around you.’

I nod slowly, ‘I know that. I just... I need some time with her.’

‘Do you love her?’ Lily asks rather abruptly.

‘Yes. Or I think so. I don’t know. I feel... alive, for the first time in years.’

‘But you must remember you are not alive. And she is.’

Lily stares at me long and hard. I falter, stumbling over my words.

‘I-I know.’

She sighs and lies back on the pebbles. The wind chills my skin.

‘Rose is coming back,’ Lily says, ‘Jude, tell me one more thing?’

‘Anything.’

Her eyes open large and wide.

‘Will it happen soon?’

‘Yes. Quite soon.’

Lily sighs again.

‘Good.’

Rose charges in with three hot chocolates. Lily sits up and I can see a trace of mascara on her cheek. She looks at me once more as she sips her hot chocolate. Rose takes my hand and leans into me. She feels warm.

Lily continues to stare.