Leggings end of first book

Or I could be looking in the wrong direction: it could be second generation crime in my second marriage.  That happened in Earl Shilton, and his children and their mother lived in the near by city.  They must be grown now, perhaps in the army.  I only met them a few times.  Nice kids.  Like their father, very physical.

I wonder did he set up all this with the McD's?  Was it all a plot?  Was this why he let them get him drunk on the wedding day, so that within a few months it all ended.  He asked me not to divorce him ever and I thought this was because of his Catholic belief.  Then he asked Gail if I would so he could marry his long term girlfriend.  So I did, when I lived in Dereham, in about 2005ish.  Or is just his family and their inlaws which are working with all the other plotters.
It's taken so many of them to take apart a fortune.

.........................................................................................

 I could have grown up bitter.  I could have been angry.  I sometimes feel downtrodden and upset.  As people parcel off my life.  Oh I'll be her and get that,  it's easy.

Yeah for people who've never been there, and are well fed and kinda loved.  Well yeah. 

At the cathedral, I sat on a bench, at the open day of the next door school.  I had no idea it was open day, I was seeking quiet reflection.  They had some so called Auschwitz refugees on a platform.  They were huge people.  They shouted out like Nazi's.  Were they advertising that way of life?  The good food, and the exercise?  Only...

All the refugee's I ever knew were shortened stunted people, they tended towards fat, due to a fear of starvation.  They tend to suffer with illnesses due to malnutrition.  Rickets or Scurvy, from a century before.  The past is in the formation of the bones.

Am I jealous of these poor souls?   Caught in an endless gimmee gimmeee.... give it me....  At Auschwitz in the agony, I can remember gentleness, forgiveness, friendship and mostly pain.

No.  I am grateful for my own life.

Will I behave in the end like a Nazi, and reveal all?    

No.   I think it's now self evident if anyone has a brain.  I never had, nor had intention of taking reparations.  I was a small child, I didn't suffer the way many others did.  I suffered at school, because I didn't grow.  I suffered when the Jewish children in London said I was Hitler's daughter because I spoke German and injured me.  I suffer because mostly I wasn't loved.

I'd have loved to have been offered a chance to say yes or no to things.  Only that has been denied me.  My last carers couldn't lose face, were subject to extortion by a failed factory owner/management from Stoke (may have been from Poland origin) and gave them my Auschwitz surviver's house (and yes, they're here).  I suspect it will all end up with them.  They have such a great civic presence.  I'm sure that the church, and all the wonderful better than you are people will support them.  It's more comfortable to be the same as one another. 

I'm suspected of not being even English...  originally it was my ambition to be an English Encentric.

Or there's the others: the unreal survivers, they might use their mindreadery, to gain information and use it.  Or even the Maggots, who will be first to say that they are a bit of me?  Or someone I do not even know who has gained reparations.  They might be a relations of a fake me.  Someone who lives in a house once passed to my carers for safe keeping.
 
Did I like one of their sons?  Brought up with a silver spoon, whilst I grew up painfully slow? 
Is the guilt eating away at him?  The evil shroud keeps that off the others...  they don't care how bad they are.  Whole county evil has often used here.  It's the mass effect.  Watch out if you don't fit the mould.  Never mind, they've made it possible for him to sleep endlessly with all sorts.

Torture isn't a comfortable option, I have not enjoyed it.  I do not like what I found out. I think it has caused me to almost hate myself. 

Please leave me alone.  You did not come for any good purpose.

As for that apology, I wonder who it will end up with...............? 
I'm not offering prizes for the answer.  

So should I give up?  NO.   Go and lie like you always do.
Show your stigmata.  It's possibly stuck on. 

I miss my Grandfather.  One day I will see him again.  I may never have had any of the stuff he planned for me, or gained back anything from the past like he wanted.  I may be the disapointment of his life, yet, I am still me.  I'm grateful every day.