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Men would quake in their opium hearts

Posted by Mark Heathcote on October 23, 2008 - 09:25
from the ABC set The kismet fate of serendipity

Men would quake in their opium hearts to meet
A beauty in whose pleasing narcotic glance
All the spheres of the primate’s earth beguile
And in who’s still doe like goddess graces dance.
Forevers do confine in them; awhile,
Her who’s tyranny it is never to maltreat:
If they espied that orbit she should, reside
Nightly they would give their all too a perchance!
A gaze from her tempting eyes so sweet;
Such a wretched, wantonness, we do pray by chance
Such is the grandeur these angels can entreat:
Such is the zodiac all lovers over chide.
Hapless nature is not so soothe to prove
The commits graveside-plot of endless; love.

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Comments

NO_1 | October 23, 2008 - 10:08

Forgive me, for I'm about to sound terribly rude; but I want to understand the intent behind your poetry.

It is one thing to be influenced by the Romantic style, but I'm not sure why you choose to write in such archaic language. And you seem to allow the demands of rhyme and metre to garble your syntax.

Is it some sort of postmodern pastiche?

You obviously have a love of words and a talent for making verbal patterns. I would just like you to bring your gifts into the 21st Century.

john_silver | October 23, 2008 - 13:35

Obviously I applaud the drive to produce a sonnet. I don't think the form itself is archaic (Borges already proved it can be an extraordinary tool even in contemporary times). However I do concur with NO_1 that you need to modernise your vocabulary. "Perchance" and "wantonness" are words no-one uses anymore unless in an ironic register, and they feel artificial and over-researched in this text.

The form is perfectly modern, it's just some questions of voice which need to be adjusted. Try writing sonnets as if you were just talking to a friend, for instance, and see what language you'd find yourself using. There's quite a few examples of promising imagery in there (I love the first line!), so adjusting the expression would be great.

Also, what's with the rhyme-scheme? It's neither Petrarchan nor Elizabethan, is it just your own idea or is this some other established kind of sonnet?

Finally, proofread your work before you submit. Lines 4 and 6 should read "whose," not "who's", and there's a superfluous semi-colon in the final line.

Anyway, as I said, there's some promising skill in here. Stick with the sonnet!

jennifer | October 24, 2008 - 10:24

I disagree - I applaud the use of 'archaic' language here - these words are beautiful and should not be forgot.

However, your lexis is rather clumsy and your punctuation slightly whimsical!

Rework, perfect, and keep using those fantastic words.