Growing Apart

Such powerful imagery!

Loved:

'The air
grew thick and clotted like a wound,
our words darkened and ached.'

And all the geography words!

Not sure about your punctuation in this line:

'Who said a gap - a gulf, is empty - dead?'

Think it should read:

'Who said a gap - a gulf - is empty, dead?'

or

'Who said a gap, a gulf, is empty - dead?'

or

'Who said: a gap, a gulf, is empty - dead?'

Do you see what I mean?

Not sure about here either:

'But we were still touching
beneath that angry water,
all the years, as the waves
chewed everything away.'

And sometimes you use a semi-colon where I think a comma would suffice.

I'll be quiet now,

J x

I've made some ammendments like you suggested Jen, please let me know what you think! And the 'not sure about here either' - is this in regards to punctuation or wording?

Magic xxx

Punctuation. The wording is fantastic, don't fiddle with that!

J x

Phew, now this has a quality of its own!

'Earthquake! We pushed each
other away as forcefully
as tectonic plates until –
too late.'

I can really identify with this stanza and of course the whole poem. It's impossible to pick out the best line. It's just poetry paradise! Well done!

By the way, I left you a little something in your email box! ;-)

Nathan.

Beautiful, strong and just about perfect; your in a different class young lady, a different class!

Chris XX

Thank you so much to everyone who has commented - a cherry! Wow thank you cherry fairies! This is a very personal piece and I'm glad others can identify with it.

I have taken all the criticism into account but I think it's best if I come back to the poem in the morning with a clearer head!

Magic xxx

P.S Nathan, I found my 'little something' and will get back to you tomorrow ;)

Hi Magic.

I don't have the poetry vocabulary to describe what I think I am seeing here, suffice to say I like it a lot.

I like the finite'ness' and power of
"Now, we are mountain ranges
on different continents,
speaking different languages." ;-)

Hey Jupiter - erm you've left me a little confused here. Am I right in thinking that you've just edited the criticism out of your comment?

Because I am now seriously considering chopping 'Strangers' off the end of the poem because I am now really starting to agree with what you've said and others think the same!

What say you Jen and everyone? Is 'strangers' superfluous?

Magic xxx

Hello Jupiter!

Well, firstly - I had a bit of a nasty run in with a user on here in my first months on ABC when I was new to criticism and I behaved appallingly and things didn't go down well. Since then I have been a total pacifist on here and don't like to get involved with any of the arguments that happen from time to time.

So I will only say this on the matter - please don't worry about this poem of Ewan's because I didn't take any offence with your criticism!

I'm glad you've been reading my work but please comment - even if it's to tell me you don't understand and I'll happily explain the 'story' behind the poem. The thing about my writing is it is usually autobiographical therefore I don't expect everyone to understand it!

I am really glad you did take the opportunity to say hello and in return I've commented on a couple of your poems!

Magic xxx

Lovely and an intersting idea

Hi Magic. I'm pleased you were happy with the 'Strangers' idea and thanks for your supportive words. I will keep an eye out for your work :-)

Thank you DraxB - glad you like ;)

And ditto Jupiter, I'll be watching for your work too!

Magic xxx

Firstly, Magic - I think the poem would be equally good either with or without the 'strangers' on the end.

Secondly, I hope it wasn't me you had a run in with - I know I've had my fair share of arguments when I try to be helpful and end up coming across too teacherish!

Thirdly, Jupiter - Ewan's poem wasn't about you and, as he has already pointed out, there are several editors on the site. The garden of cherry trees is vast and there are several pickers!

J x

Hey there Jen - I agree that the 'strangers' both works and doesn't work ... so I'm still a little stuck on that front - if you had to pick with or without which would you go for?

And no, don't worry, it wasn't you I had my 'run-in' with - you have been nothing but helpful and a true friend throughout my time on ABC ;)

Magic xxx

I didn't think anything of 'Strangers' until it was mentioned above, but now I re-read, I think it might well be extraneous. My advice? Resave your document on your computer without it and then see what it looks like to you after a gap!

J x

p.s. phew!

and then call it: Strangers
:) just an idea.. xx i really liked much of the imagery and wondered how it would feel reading it without the present title. Its fine as is also :)

Got to say I like this idea a lot littleditty ;-) but I hate it when others suggest titles for my own work - and I like them! I always feel it would never feel like wholly mine anymore ;(.
But I think you are right, it is a great title for this piece. ;-)

Jupiter, i dont know who you are, i will read some of your work.

Magic - Jennifer's idea is good, you've got plenty of time to see how you feel about it! Wonderful poetry you are writing -i'm enjoying catching up, cheers xx

Hi littleditty. Nice to meet you ;-) lol.

Sorry Magic, yes I did remove it. Thought it might be best to just leave you to it in the end.

This message is going to be out of sequence now. Apologies for messing up your page. :-)

Don't worry Jupiter - I'm just happy all this business is sorted!

Well, today I've mulled over by myself and with a friend all the things that you have mentioned and I have decided that I am honestly happy with this poem as it is.

I like the title as it somes up the whole concept behind the poem and the last line 'Strangers' just seems to add to the musicality of the poem, without it I think the finish is quite abrupt!

But again, thank you to every one who has offered me feed back on this poem and I hope no one feels shunned because it is everyone on here who helps me grow as a writer and I really appreciate it!

Magic xxx

Hi Magic. I can see that you are supremely capable of growing without any assistance from me ;-). It was lovely to have such a quality piece to offer input to. Thanks for that. See ya again :)

Hey Jupiter - I value every single person's input with my poetry so please don't be too hard on yourself!

Damn it! I spelt 'sums' as 'somes' - can you tell I'm knackered? Shhh maybe no one will notice! lol

Magic xxx

Little left to add to all the comments above. Agree some really powerful and effective imagery here - very much to my taste. Margot

new Mistakenmagic great I like line our anger was a valley charging the space ,thought get cherry and me to thanks comments. we have to lay our burdens down not easy but where much lighter sometimes if can do hard God blessx
juliex

Thank you Margot and Cavalcaderl!

Magic xxx

Striking, wonderful poem.
I think 'Strangers' at the end is perfect- really haunting- and 'Growing Apart' as the title is spot on. Strangers as the title as well would have been overload in my opinion.

I agree with SC

Thank you SundaysChild! (And Chris) glad you agree with the title and the end line ;)

Magic xxx

Lovely poem x