Bessie-Jane

There was once an old girl named Bessie-Jane. She was 99 years old.
One night, she went with her friends to play bingo in the local parish
hall. As the number-caller called 'two fat ladies', Bessie-Jane spied
Basil. Basil was Bessie-Jane's cousin's friend's father's friend's
brother's lover. Basil and Bessie-Jane had a very interesting
history.

They met in Tufty's Lap-Dancing Club while Bessie-Jane was performing
her Special; the 'Shaky-Shaky Gucci-Gucci routine'. Just as Bessie-Jane
was twisting herself seductively around the pole, her sparkly blue
stiletto flew from her foot and lodged itself deep inside Basil's left
nostril. The operating team had to operate a major operation to remove
the embedded object during the operation from his left nostril while he
lay upon the operating table.

By way of apology, Basil received a free pass to Tufty's Lap-Dancing
Club, including a private performance of the 'Shaky-Shaky Gucci-Gucci
Routine'. It was at this performance that Basil presented Bessie-Jane
with her estranged blue sparkly stiletto, now cleaned of all remaining
snots. This was gratefully accepted, and from that night on, Basil
became a regular visitor to the "Big, Big Bessie Show" every
Thursday.

Lila Luxury, Seduc-Sally-tive, AcitorE AnnA, and all the other dancers
envied Bessie-Jane the attention of The Bandaged Stranger. One night,
while Bessie-Jane was soundly sleeping, the Big 'n' Bouncy dancers
carried out a malicious act of revenge.

When Bessie-Jane awoke the next morning, she discovered, to her horror,
that she had been deliberately deflated through her left nipple - from
then on she became very fond of an apple a day; to keep the doctor
away.

After the discovery of her colleagues' guilt, Bessie-Jane resigned her
position at Tufty's, and decided to pursue a different path in the
world: she became a hooker. Bessie-Jane found this job much more
profitable that her previous one, and she soon became a renowned member
of this profession.
One day, while eating lunch in the Statue of Liberty, Bessie-Jane
bumped into Basil, and Basil hurtled across the floor. After receiving
her sincerest apologies, Basil hauled himself up off the ground with
the aid of Bessie-Jane's dress. She looked him in the eye, punched him
in the nose, and caused him a major haemorrhage.

The eternal fountain of blood from Basil's nose caused Bessie-Jane some
minor alarm, so she called 999. The operating team had to operate a
major operation to remove the false nail during the operation embedded
in his nose while he lay upon the operating table.

By way of apology for ripping her dress, Basil brought Bessie-Jane on a
foreign holiday to Hawaii.

Owing to her previous dancing experience, Bessie-Jane easily took to
dancing in grass skirts and leas. Due to her phenomenal success in this
field, Bessie-Jane decided to remain in Hawaii for a time to pursue her
career in Hula. Basil headed home, alone.

While engaged in this profession, Bessie-Jane began to resent the loss
of her left breast, because while Hula-ing, things shook, and apples
never were very steady. As a result of this, Bessie-Jane took the next
Virgin Airlines flight home.

Bessie-Jane was very happy to be returning, but when she arrived, she
discovered that her house had been repossessed. Due to the fact that
she was now homeless, Bessie-Jane took up residence with Basil.

Their relationship was going strong, until Bessie-Jane discovered that
Basil was having an affair with Lila Luxury! In order to seek
vengeance, Bessie-Jane killed Lila. Basil then seeked comfort in the
society of Geordie D'Lassandro Fortesque.

Since she found it impossible to live without money, Bessie-Jane
applied for her old job at Tufty's Lap-Dancing Club. The management was
so very, very glad to have Big, Big Bessie back in their midst, that
they agreed to pay for the permanent installation of stewed apples.
Bessie-Jane was extremely glad to be equal again.

However, by this time, Bessie-Jane still did not have a home of her
own, and so she moved in with her friends.

Now during Bessie-Jane's absence, these friends had become very
interested in the local parish priest. So, since the local parish bingo
was held in the local parish hall, and the local parish priest was the
bingo number-caller, they religiously began to attend the local parish
bingo in the local parish hall called by the local parish priest every
Tuesday at 8 pm.

As a result of this, Bessie-Jane started to attend the local parish
bingo in the local parish hall called by the local parish priest every
Tuesday at 8 pm.

It was during one of these Tuesday night bingo sessions that
Bessie-Jane spied Basil. Her disgust at perceiving him was great
indeed; this abhorrence she did not struggle to conceal when Basil
approached to say hello. She looked him in the eye, punched him in the
nose, and caused him a major haemorrhage. The splinter of bone which
lodged itself in his brain caused him to collapse.

Thus ended their unfortunate relationship.