Why do I stay alive?

During my first year of medical school, the Director of Well-Being & Integrative Medicine, Dr. Anne Weisman, gave one lecture that I will never forget. She was telling us her story of a life-altering motor vehicle collision that should have killed her. She was left in a coma and given a very poor prognosis due to severe traumatic brain injury. After awakening, she was forced to relearn how to live. She credited traditional Western medicine with saving and sustaining her life, but what really stuck with me were the reasons why she stayed alive. I had never considered that there was a difference. It was not the medications, surgeries, various treatment plans, or slew of dedicated providers, but it was yoga, massage, meditation, and finding ways to reconnect with her physical body. These alternative modalities healed her mental health in a way that conventional medicine never could. It was difficult for me to reconcile this as a medical student; I am studying to enter this noble profession where the goal is the healing of humanity, but if patients cannot find their why, then what is the point of treating their physical ailments? Did I know my own why? For the first time, I was forced to confront the question, “Why do I stay alive?”.

My answer came during second year while reading My Grandfather’s Blessings by Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen. I have employed this journaling technique every night since, and it has done wonders for reframing my days in a new light, whether that be during the long isolating hours studying for the USMLE Step 1 exam or during the disheartening days spent in the hospital when you feel powerless as a medical student. The task lies in spending a few minutes every evening asking yourself 3 questions of your day and then writing down your responses: What surprised me today? What moved me or touched me today? What inspired me today? 

Some nights, I spend 20 minutes lost in thought, journaling all the remarkable feats that I was lucky enough to witness that day. Other nights, I struggle to come up with an answer and spend only 5 minutes writing, but I ALWAYS answer every question. Herein lies the heart of the exercise. To participate, you must recognize that in every day that you live, there is something to be found that surprised you, another aspect that moved you, and something else that inspired you. You are just challenging yourself to recognize them. This has gotten easier for me, but I still often struggle to find the time, the energy, the motivation, or the answers. Taking care of my mental health is an intentional decision that I need to make every single day, and right now, I know that by making a choice to prioritize this exercise, and by extension, my mental well-being, I am blessed with the daily opportunity to rediscover anew why I stay alive.