D: Dinnertime for Pedants

***Int. Night. A bland pub-cum-restaurant. Conversation and a
best-of-the-eighties CD provide backround noise. There is a MAN, and a
WOMAN at the table. A WAITER approaches them.

WAITER

Ready to order?

MAN

Hmm. Vegetarian chilli con carne.

WAITER

Excellent choice.

MAN

No, I wanted to ask about it.

WAITER

Shoot.

MAN

How can it be vegetarian chilli con carne?

WAITER

Well, it's chilli con carne, without the meat.

MAN

An oxymoron.

WAITER

I beg your pardon?

MAN

No, not you. Chilli con carne means, literally translated, "chilli with
meat". It should be listed as "chilli senza carne". Or Vegetarian
chilli.

WAITER

That suggests a chilli with just vegetables. This one has Quorn.

MAN

Yeah, tricky one. You need "meat substitute" in Italian. I know
"facente funzione" is substitute, but these noun phrases don't always
translate easily.

WAITER

How about "chilli con Quorn"?

MAN

Good shout. Catchy, isn't it.

WAITER

I don't mean to rush you but ?

MAN

I'll have the chilli con carne.

WAITER

With meat?

MAN (***rolling his eyes***)

Yes, WITH meat.

WOMAN

I'll have the chilli con Quorn, please.

***The waiter leaves***

MAN

Well, as first dates go, it's not going too badly, is it?

WOMAN

You know, you remind me of a bloke at work called Humphrey. Just today,
Julie and me were in the cantine ?

MAN

Oh.

WOMAN

What's the matter?

MAN

It's just that it's "Julie and I".

WOMAN

Ah yes, I remember something to do with that in English at school ? So,
Julie and I are in the cantine, and Humphrey walks in. He tells . .
.

***She looks pensive, and smiles at the man***

He tells JULIE AND I ?

MAN (***crestfallen***)

Oh God, what have I started here?

WOMAN

What now? That was right.

MAN

No, in that instance, it's "Julie and me".

WOMAN

You're kidding.

MAN

No, in the nominative case the correct pronoun is "I". In the
accusative case one uses the pronoun "me". I can tell from your
expression that these are not grammatical concepts you are familiar
with ? so, to avoid future embarrassment, follow this simple rule: If
you can replace what you want to say with "we" - as in "We were in the
cantine" - choose "Julie and I". If you can use the word "us" instead -
as in "He told US" - then opt for "Julie and me".

***Woman scratches her head demonstratively***

MAN

Ooh, that must be a nasty itch.

***Woman continues to scratch. Her mobile phone rings***

WOMAN ***on phone***

Yes? Oh hello. No. You're joking. Right, I'm on my way.

***to Man, getting up***

Sorry about this, my father has had a heart attack, they're taking him
to hospital.

MAN

Oh don't apologise. You have to really go.

WOMAN

Yes.

***Walking away, calling over to the man***

By the way, you just split an infinitive.

MAN ***to himself***

Touch?.