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Daddy A Boozer

Posted by pinda on July 18, 2009 - 13:23

Scars.
Cuts.
Glass.
And pain.
Run,run.
Ignore the rain.
Daddy just drunk.
Gone insane.
Just perplexed.
Confused.
He's just complex.
He hits me.
To feel better son.
No, no.
Don't ever touch,
Never touch his gun.
But Ma, it has blood.
Blood?
Blood on the trigger, Ma.
Ok Pinda, get into the car.
Why Ma, why?
We need to get far.
If you don't we will die.

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Comments

Beeme | July 18, 2009 - 13:41

Another really emotive piece, well done.

Beeme

threeleafshamrock | July 18, 2009 - 20:07

Wow, short, sharp and in your face with this one Pin; feel the fear.

Chris

pinda | July 18, 2009 - 22:21

Thanks Beeme and 3leaf :)

Jupiter | July 18, 2009 - 23:41

Hi Pin. Don't know jack about what anyone else has ever written about physical poetic form (suppose I should make the time) - and been playing a little myself - but for me this strong piece has an urgency in parts which is conflicting with its laid-back layout.

Scars - cuts - glass and pain
run run ignore the rain

conveys that immediacy more immediately to me than a more nursery rhymish layout.

and when i read

Daddy just drunk.
Gone insane.

- I'm thinking - get down to the hospital - FAST!!

then
Just perplexed.
Confused.
seems like a little respite before ...

you get the picture.

As I said before I know very little in this arena other than what works for my own eyes, however, it would be nice if someone who is used to, and understands the best way to convey this type of message, could step in and help you (and I) out here better than I am. Hopefully someone will. ;-)

Nice poem mate - did I mention that? ;-)

pinda | July 19, 2009 - 15:31

Thanks for the help mate, suppose I agree with the conveying the immediacy. I do need to improve my layout