Who had the right?

Hi Pin. Good to see you back.

I like this but do you mind if I ask a question about the rhyming structure please because I am not schooled in poetic form like many are here and I can't get my head around it?

If I had written this poem, it would be something like this, as suggested to me by your rhyme in the second part :

Who had the right?,To take food from his mouth.
The right to leave him crippled and bruised.
Couldn't shine and whisper what his life was about.
Couldn't handle the pain of being used

A baby once hurt,is now destined to be free.
The demons deprived from his sight.
My baby boy, go to God -
My Brother, just walk into the light

Can you show me how it is meant to be read please? Is it some kind of rapping style? I can see the rhyme in lines 3 & 5 of your original but can't seem to make the middle work for me :-). Thanks.

Who had the right?,To take food from his mouth
Couldn't shine and whisper what his life was about

The demons deprived from his sight.
My Brother, just walk into the light.

Those are some lines in this piece that rhyme, like in genral rap

E.g.- The Black and white cat.
Cursed as he rapped on the mat.
Turf war, as he sniffed out the rat.
Pulled out a pistol and loaded the gat.

That's what my rap structture is genrally like, so is traditional hip-hop.

I wanted try something different with this and have it as a poem with no real rhythm or rhymes(but still keeping the rap element in it)

If you know what I mean.

Ah - sorry Pin I didn't spot the mouth/about rhyme - it must be a British/American accent difference thing - I shall try reading your work with an American accent from now on - cheers mate.

No worries, if anything I should apologize. I'll use less words with accent differences in the future.
Atleast it will benefit eveyone

Hey Pin are you around at 19:00 on Friday by any chance?

For a time difference check it is now 18:55 here.

I should be,no recording sessions or rehersals going on Friday.How come?.It will be 12.00 here when it's 19.00. Howcome?.

How would you like to help judge a fun 3-way Robot poem comp between me, Beeme and Sunday?
It's just a bit of fun, have a look at my poem Bot for more info.

I'll check it out.

lol, mate could you sum up what the competition is about quickly and what is happening on Friday. Way to many comments to look through lol on the bot poem.

Beeme has to produce a poem about robots - with no spelling mistakes - and checked for a balanced rhythm - as if it were to be a true competition entry in an ABCtales competition - so that she gets some practise of producing 'competition ready' work.
Sunday and I are going to do the same to challenge her and each other.
The 3 poems will be posted at 7pm on Friday and each judge will add a comment to my poem giving a mark of either 1, 2 or 3 to each of us - ie 1st, 2nd, 3rd.
The scores will be added up and the winner will be awarded the 'Beeme-Jupiter-Sunday Crown'.
It's just a bit of fun as you can see designed to help Beeme move forward in a fun manner - and who knows, given her recent improvements if she takes her time producing she could win. :-)

i'll add my comments etc to what I reckon of the poems but I don't think I should be a judge. Not that I don't want to be one but others on this site have better skills than me. Plus you guys are way better than me at spellings etc, so what good is it to have me as a judge, I'll comment on the pieces but pass on the judgement part. You should get expierenced people on here as judges e.g. chuck, ewan, 3lead,etc. They are all way better than me at poems.

Hey Pinda, how you been?
I like this piece you have written.
Very well crafted. Good to see you back around.

Chuck says he only likes certain types of poem subject and Ewan has already got his hands full reading everything with a view to cherrying.
Perhaps I didn't explain well enough how this is only a bit of fun and nowhere near as serious as you are seeing it, but never mind and thanks for considering it anyway. ;-)

I think I'm going to call it off anyway Pin.
It seems like a really good idea of a way to help Beeme correct some of the errors which have previously been pointed out by Jen & Ewan but perhaps this isn't the right place for it.

None of the editors have said they aren't in favour of it and the Code of Conduct doesn't deem it to be unacceptable, but I wouldn't want to step on anyone's toes if you know what I mean?

And besides, I feel that the preparation lesson will have already been learnt by now anyway.

So scratch 7 ;-)

Editors aren't in favor of it?. Who are the acutal editors? Surely some friendly compeititon isn't a problem.

Hi Pin - we're all dressed up and ready ;-)
Got the go ahead from Mr Cook and it's a 7pm showdown. There is still time to change your mind and help with the judging - don't worry about checking spelling - you bring a different and valuable viewpoint to the proceedings. It's just a bit of fun and it's not necessarily about which is the best crafted in poetic terms, more about which you like best for whatever reason - and I feel sure everyone would agree we are all equally qualified to know what we like. ;-)
We are short on judges Pin so if you do change your mind it would help us out. ;-) - so no pressure then mate lol