Cold in Summer

Hi there :)

I like this idea, but is there any way to add in some more punctuation? I think that would make the individual images stand out a bit better. 'wrapped in paperwork / piled high in a frigid house' is lovely.

Perhaps remove a couple of the adjectives in the second stanza? It seems a lot heavier than the first, and so meaning's a little clouded. For example, 'prohibitively', 'unfriendly' - they make us ask unnecessary questions and distract us from the message, which I like but is currently a little lost, I feel.

Also, maybe this is just me - 'mini-heatwave found our jackets / and the radiators left on' - I don't quite understand. Maybe adding punctuation would help separate that thought - are you trying to point out that _despite_ the heatwave, the radiators and jackets are left on?

I really like this, though! Thanks for sharing. :)

Thanks for the crit and for reminding me what I paid good money for at night school ... be wary of adjectives and adverbs. I have duly removed a few!

I have always added a bit of punctuation. I try to rely on line breaks to negate the need for every bit of punctuation but some is required, as you point out to help the reader make sense.

Thanks again. I think it reads much better now.

jude

"Cacoethes scribendi"
http://www.judesworld.net

You're very welcome. I think the changes you've made have helped a great deal. It's really lovely. :)