Oh, it's here already -
what do I do? Jake and Jessie
about to arrive, how did I get
ambushed into this - my worst nightmare?
Upon me, now - crowding, like
blood-hungry lions at meal-time.
This formal a attire is killing me,
I much prefer my t-shirt and jeans,
And now my palms are sweating and red
As if I have been playing tennis all day.
'Oh, no - why me?' I say out loud,
realizing I'm no longer alone.
I hate places with more than two in a room
Never mind doing this small favor
He said, ye right, he was always the
Trickster and joker in our family,
But this time he excelled his self.
Well here goes, I;m in a penguin suit,
With sweaty palms, a 20 year old spotty
Face, who forgot too put on underwear
In the rush, but apart from that I'm
OK,come on Glenn you can do this,
Just because it's your first time,like
It was last week with Jessie, that
Was the same, worrying not just
Because I never done It before or
That an audience was waiting
For the young stud she thought,
Too perform.Yet it was more to do with the
Fact if my brother ever found out,
He would knock me out cold
All over this floor.
But I did a good job there,
If I say so my self,
So if I pretend I'm enjoying
this like back then,
I could be out of here fast
Back on my own with a bottle
of stout.
Then when I finally stop
thinking too myself
I realize it was quite
For that time of night.
Then I saw the mike
Hadn't been turned off
From when the sound guys
Tested for the toasts.
So I have all the guests
Looking horrified at me,
Poor Jessie looked has if
She wanted too run and hide
After killing me.
Then my brother approaches me
Fast and without emotion,
And says out loud
Carry on little brother
This is funny, don't you
All agree its the best man's
Wedding Speech that's
Ever been written.
Blissfully unaware it was not
My attempt at Witt, not at all
But after a few bottles
of champagne and love in the air
They never realized me and Jessie
Had actually lay on the very spot
They were all dancing on, a week earlier
When we were the last two
Left after I took Jake's place at the
Rehearsal.But he's not been innocent himself
You see, and Jessie wanted revenge
For his night of hidden desires, he
thinks she doesn't know about with
Younger cousin Carla.You could say
Jessie wanted 'a family affair' to
Continue.So of course I was happy to oblige.
Comments
RachelPatricia | August 10, 2011 - 13:19
Really enjoyed this, Prettyrose, but there are a fair few typos and I hope you don't mind me pointing them out to you? There are a few other things that jarred with me, too - like in the first stanza:
Oh it's arrived already,
What do I do,
Jessie and Jake about
To arrive, why did I
Be ambushed in too this,
My worst nightmare I can
Ever imagine, now upon me,
Crowding me happily like
Lions at meal time.
If you changed it around a bit, something like
Oh, it's here already -
what do I do? Jake and Jessie
about to arrive, how did I get
ambushed into this - my worst nightmare?
Upon me, now - crowding, like
blood-hungry lions at meal-time.
maybe that would work better? Or maybe not?
In the next stanza, it should be 'attire' in the first line, and the third should start with 'As' not Has, and also the lines
'Oh no why me' I say out loud not
Realizing I wasn't alone.
maybe
'Oh, no - why me?' I say out loud,
realizing I'm no longer alone.
?
These are only my thoughts and I hope you don't mind them, as I think there's something good here if you just tweak it a little and sort out the typos - there are a lot of 'too's that just need to be 'to's, etc. Love that line in the third stanza - 'I hate places with more than two in a room', and think the story flows well throughout and was a very enjoyable read. Please feel free to tell me to sling my hook if you disagree with anything I've said as I'm certainly no expert, it's just my interpretation :)
Will try to read more of your work soon, you've put a lot into this poem and it definitely shows :)
Hope you are well and take care,
Rachel xx
Prettyrose | August 10, 2011 - 14:03
Hi Rachel, lol no that's fine and I welcome all fair and nice critical points of view and this was a nice 'put in my place' I have ever had lol. Seriously I really appreciate you taking the time to read and for tweaking it, and your lovely kind comments.
Your right and that shows me for thinking I could put out another poem so fast and only on 2 hours sleep this time&in pain, not a good night but soon has I thought of this I wanted to write it down and then put it on here and I did try to put much thought into it has could all things considering. but no excuse lol.
I will certainly look at all your said and thank you again for also asking how I am, I hope your ok :)
take care
Keep Writing
Keep Smiling :)
Trish :)
Prettyrose | August 10, 2011 - 14:46
Looked and tweaked hehehe :)
Highhat | August 10, 2011 - 16:33
Great Trish and you can easily listen to Rachel's advice- it's is all in a friendly and helpful spirit. I may very well have pointed out those tweaks myself.
Nice poem and yes it flows very well.
keep writing
;)Pia
Prettyrose | August 10, 2011 - 18:52
Hi Pia :)Thank you again I really do appreciate you reading my work.
And enjoy reading your comments lol and I know its' all for help, which is welcomed, its easy to see when reading others and thinking how it can be written another way So totally understand.
I hardly sleep due to health and when I can get on here, It is some times a rush so grammer does suffer and for me my priority is getting my message or poems/stories/ e.t.c on so I can hopefully help. encourage or just make people laugh, even at my grammar lol.
thank you again pia :)
keep Writing
Keep Smiling :)
Trish :)