Journal 6th October
Another glorious Autumn day so I don't go into the office and work from home again. Screw it. My flat is so lovely in the sunshine and I can play Erasure as loud as I like.
Makes scheduling bearable.
I enjoy wandering into the bedroom on occasion and looking at the vast amount of carpet I can now see. Clearing the bedroom chi, it's not quite there yet, still some books to file and the box of bath whitening kit to shift. Coming up for it's second anniversary of being unopened. Something to do before the op I'm thinking. But my will to loll about is too strong. Possibly removal to shed will suffice for now. Wish I had a boyfriend I could nag to do that sort of thing for me.
Have you whitened the bath yet?
Three emails from women I met at Findhorn arrived today. Two Dutch, and fuck buddy German. Her FB doesn't want to keep in touch. I'm not surprised and I don't know why she is. Has she learned nothing?
She's now regretting having blabbed and looking to meet my buddy at the support evenings.
I only felt that jealous 'not enough' flare for a moment. If she meets green eyes or LB, it's their choice what happens. I don't want to have to do anything to keep a man with me. Other than be me. I don't want anything from them that isn't freely and respectfully given.
But man she gets my goat.
But what is this release? I'm enough or what's the point just now anyway? Or am I just confident in these men who are as terrified as I am and scared shitless by the sexually voracious.
I don't tell her that her FB has already emailed me to ask what other courses I know of or will be at. I don't need to make myself strong by threatening her. I don't think he's worth the hassle it would cause to be honest. Gorgeous isn't everything. Plus she knew I liked him and still slept with him, and then phoned me after three months of no contact, to tell me about it. Now she's looking for my buddy who phones and texts and tells me he loves me, we are totally platonic, but she doesn't need to know that.
She had better watch out, Kali is losing patience and is in destructive mode.
So all bets are off with this 'friend', I am a Kali babe and my top secrecy is v. satisfying.
Och but her FB is gorgeous. Six foot four of Irish heaven. So beautiful, no-one ever approaches him.
He needs to smile more.
I met him at the end of the garden week where I couldn't speak to gardener. I was full of hope given our last honest exchange, all the smiles, the final wave hung around to give me. I was full of hope. I'll be here in July and we'll be together. Hope.
Is a delusion.
So, full of hope and feeling pretty, and not knowing that the meditation retreat was in Findhorn, I went to a one day 'taster' workshop with the sex love and intimacy people instead. It was very gentle, loving and connecting.
Turned us all on like a switch, of course.
For the last exercise of the day, we were to select a partner who we'd never normally choose. I'd paid my Â£50, I made a beeline for the best looking guy in the room.
Am a lot of things, daft isn't one of them.
Then the person chosen had to say the reason they thought they were chosen. I can't share what he said, but he was wrong. When I told him that I picked him because he's so beautiful I'd never have the guts to approach him, he was speechless. Why do gorgeous people never think they are gorgeous? Coz nobody approaches them coz they think they are too gorgeous, that's why.
The exercise was fully clothed, taking turns each touching faces, hair, neck shoulders, body, arms, legs. Then hugging. Seated in a legs wrapped around each other tantric sort of way. I went first. He was so lovely, so big! His thigh bone alone is almost the length of my whole leg.
Did make a gal speculate, proportionally speaking.
Anyway, then it was his turn to 'do' me. The first thing he did was take my hands and plank them firmly on his thighs, pulling me forward to him and turning me on. Taking charge right away, Alpha male. Oh my God.
Then before he touched my cheeks, he said,
'Do you mind if I use my cheek?'
I shook my head in that can't believe my luck way you do and he slowly, gently rubbed the apple of his cheek on the apple of mine.
Let me tell you about my thing with cheeks.
I have a thing about them. It's the thing that turns me on most. I love to have my face cradled just before a kiss (who doesn't?) and it's the thing that attracts me most, after eyes (and checking for clean finger nails obviously), in a man.
What constitutes a sexy cheek. Well there's a dimple or better still a crevice of unshaven dark masculinity. And always with 5 o'clock shadow. Don't go for so clean shaven you can't see any Fred Flintstone darkness. Chubby cheeks ain't my bag baby. Give me gaunt and unshaven. Woof.
There are two men in my early life who are responsible for this cheek fetish. One was about 18 years my senior - I was 2 he was about 20 and an apprentice in my dad's firm. Donald Laurie. Soft gaunt cheeks and a big nose.
I loved him truly, and he loved me. True love. I would have gone home to stay with him forever, in a jiffy.
I vividly remember him coming for lunch to our house and how he paid me attention and held me in his gentle way. He adored me. I loved his cosy woolly jumper smell and cooried into him, always on his knee. I cried and screamed with my arms outstretched at the door, running after him, when they left after lunch. One day he couldn't bare it and came running back in to lift me up and hug me, to comfort me. I've been waiting for a man to not be able to bare it and come for me ever since. Green eyes looks at me the way Donald Laurie used to look at me at that door. Like he's in pain. Love. Men feel it so physically in their bodies.
Years later, Donald called his first daughter Hazel. He phoned my dad to ask him would he mind.
The dark unshaven look is Captain Scarlet's fault. Fell in love with him when I was four. Loved his dark cheeks. I remember watching it with my dad, me kissing the telly every two minutes, saying
'I'm going to marry him.'
I was so happy.
Telly kissing is largely over-rated, it tastes funny and makes your hair full of static, but there's a lovely buzzy sensation on your cheek if you hover really close.
My dad said 'You can't marry him, he's a puppet. Look at the strings.'
There was one of those real hand shots with a finger pointing to a watch, so no strings,
'See!', I said, 'No he isn't.'
'I'm going to go to where they make TV and marry him.'
I was so happy.
I still find him attractive.
Still go for men with those dark looks.
Still don't see the strings either right enough.
I have no regrets. It would never have worked. There was the Mysteron issue.
I mean they found him every week.
Don't get me started on Sean Connery in Dr No.
Gardener has fabulously gaunt, dark unshaven cheeks with no chin; green eyes has the blackest darkest sexiest cheeks ever - he's my favourite, Southern Irish parents - also receding chin; blue eyed LB too, has a dimple on his right cheek and salt and pepper grey in his two day growth.
My lovely cheeked skinny boys.
¦and how much I long to kiss them.
Although gardener remains the only one who's cheeks I haven't actually kissed.
So cheeks. Gorgeous cheeked Irishman gently whisper-brushing the non bristly part of his cheek against the apple of mine.
'I'm going to marry him.'
I was so happy.
Then he got bit turned on and started kissing me all down my cheek and neck. Had I not been sitting on a wee backjack stool thing, I'd have been on my back, Jack. What a man he is.
Completely scared the bejesus out of me of course, but my God, he's all man.
I saw him in the pub later, but he didn't come over to me. I had left the building, like Cinderella. The next morning, he came to Taize singing. The flirting that goes on in the name of sacred songs, honestly. Afterwards, I was speaking to loud Danish woman and her baby, and he disappeared, but was waiting for me downstairs.
"There she is, the girl I want to give a hug to.
"Can we do the cheeks thing?
He put his coffee down.
And we did.
But it crosses my mind that German FB is no friend of mine. I told her about Irishman months ago, and about the courses in London - am an idiot. We were on the phone, she said, she'd like to come and play with me. I laughed thinking she'd like to come the course and find gorgeous Irishmen. Then she said,
"You must know that I've been attracted to you ever since I met you.
I reacted badly I admit.
I haven't spoken to her since then, until the phone call actually. The phone call she HAD to make to tell me she'd shagged Irishman. And now, where's my buddy?
If she can't have me, she'll have anyone I want. In Findhorn, she said 'Tell you what I'll shag gardener and tell you if he's any good.'
I said 'If you do that I'd never speak to you again.'
Set herself up against me to get the men I'm interested in?
I will never tell her about green eyes.
I may never tell her anything again.
The two Dutch women writing on the same day is such a synchronicity. They had been friends for years and did walking trips together, came and did Experience week and their friendship broke up when they went home. They've spoken once since. Twenty years of friendship lost. One of them wanted to find herself, she said. I suspect it was that she didn't want to see herself reflected against the other in a financially well off happy marriage - when she'd just walked out on her own adult child man the year before.
Findhorn does funny things to a person - if they're not careful.
It's full of adult children being enabled and stuck in their behaviour. Indulged. Nobody calling them out - where's your heart? What is it that you're going for when you behave like that? Wanky sock sex in the name of 'detachment.' I include myself of course, and it's not lost on me that the only way I've struggled out of adult child and into adult adolescence is in the self-imposed coming and going(thank you Fear, you keep me smart). Not staying there, my lack of Trust, opening my eyes to the bullshit dance we all do.
I don't say any of my worries to German FB. I just act daft and ask them 'send an angel prayer for me on the 7th.'
It can't hurt.
In fact, it will help.
Have them, have them all.
Coz I don't need this shit.