Windy Words
During a sidewalk stroll, my wife and
I approached a small apartment, where
a man with shirt-tail hanging,
beard not yet clipped and seeking
respite for his beleaguered eyes
stumbled across our path, said with a thick
tongue, “Mister, got some small change
for a coffee?” then searching with
puppy eyes sees a thrust of hand into
my pocket, not expecting a negative
response, “No, got none right now,” not
explaining it was my wife who carried the loot
and his calculating eye sent a signal to his
hand, whipped out a cigarette, then puffed smoke
in my direction. Not to be undone, I said in a
pleasant voice, “Coffee is more expensive
these days and small change just won’t do it.”
Then we fled with the wind, leaving shirttail
as a smudge in his man-made cloud.
© Richard L. Provencher
Website: www.wsprog.com/rp/
Comments
Ewan | June 19, 2009 - 07:18
A nice little vignette of something we've all experienced from one viewpoint or another. Not quite sure about some of the punctuation, Richard. I guess you're trying for some kind of urgency and for that reason have omitted a few commas. You definitely need one at 'hanging' line 3. I think you can retain the breathless nature of it: by keeping that one long sentence to 'direction'. You could lose one of the 'expecting's, although I realise you might have deliberately wanted to follow 'expecting' with 'not expecting'. For me it doesn't quite work.
I liked 'not to be undone' instead of 'not to be outdone'; was it deliberate?
The last two lines were excellent.
Regards,
Ewan
Silver Spun Sand | June 19, 2009 - 11:00
As Ewan says, a delightful vignette, this.
Tina
Richard L. Prov... | June 19, 2009 - 12:18
Thank you, Evan, for your encouragment and helpful observations. I added a comma after 'hanging' and exchange the first 'expecting'. Yes, 'undone' was deliberate, as I was wanting to get the precise and tidy man out of the picture before the fellow of the street 'undone him' Thank again. Richard LP
Cavalcaderl | June 19, 2009 - 15:57
new Richard L.Prov love line then we fled in the wind leavinf a shirt-tail as a smudge, in his man-made tail. My goodness Ive got cherry, mad em cry.Take care julie x
Richard L. Prov... | June 19, 2009 - 22:42
Hello Julie --- your kind wishes are appreciated. Writing is such joy for the heart and fun to share. RLP