The hospital becomes an echoing labyrinth at night. Three of my fellow inmates found an unlocked office at the end of a disused corridor and over the last few weeks we’ve been making plans in the small hours. Tonight we move.
They’re the only ones who understand about the demons being in control of this place. The rest are either doped up or have blocked it from their minds (smiling sadly, saying they’re sorry about what happened to me). If we win I’ll come back and set them free; then they’ll see who was right.
A major drawback is that I have no weapon to use against any of the hell-spawn that patrol here; my sword is lost and nothing earthly will suffice instead.
Another problem is that I think they suspect something. Standing here in the darkness, I discover that the office has been locked and none of my companions are to be found. I want to call out to them but dare not break the silence.
A long central corridor runs the length of the building. Peering cautiously around the corner, I see its ceiling lights swaying. The shadows are coalescing and a faint scuttling noise grows louder.
Comments
insertponceyfre... | August 6, 2010 - 05:14
Hello Rob - I like the way you build the tension in this part. Good ending too!
celticman | August 6, 2010 - 08:37
Keep running Rob. Always a good narrative ploy, the same ending as mine. I'll wait and see what you do next!
rjnewlyn | August 6, 2010 - 23:39
Thanks very much Insert. Part of the tension for me is not being entirely sure where this one is taking me ...
Celticman - heck, yes it is isn't it. I hadn't realised but possibly it was subliminal - that's the tricky thing about this site. However, I'm fairly sure where I'm going with this is not the same as you so perhaps it's some sort of nodal crossing point (?) or some such thing.
MistakenMagic | August 7, 2010 - 12:53
The plot thickens as they say... ;) Another great shot, Rob. Can't wait to see where you go with this one!
Magic xxx
rjnewlyn | August 7, 2010 - 21:59
For what it's worth, some amendments just made as I wasn't completely satisfied with the original version (posted too early - I wish I'd learn not to do that). The ending shared with Celticman's has disappeared in the process (although the implication is similar) so that exchange won't make any sense (apologies). Rob
rjnewlyn | August 8, 2010 - 23:20
Thanks very much Magic for your comment. I also can't wait to see where this one goes ...!
And thanks ABC for the cherry - came as quite a shock as I'd rather given up this time around.
Rob
jennifer | August 10, 2010 - 07:28
Thought I'd come and read some of your stuff, since you've become one of my most interactive readers (thank you for your support, by the way!)...
This is the first thing I've read and I'm impressed with how you manage to create atmosphere and tension in so few words. Now I'm going to have to catch up with the rest of this story!
Particularly striking imagery for me: 'The shadows are coalescing'... what a wonderful turn of phrase!
J x
rjnewlyn | August 10, 2010 - 23:54
Thanks for visiting Jennifer - I'm honoured! Nothing like as formed as Unbelievable but I'm finding this way of writing is quite helpful as a sort of preliminary sketch to get ideas together. Rob
Beeme | August 16, 2010 - 21:46
Well done on the Cherry! I really like the way you build up tension here . I'm heading straight for part 10 :)
Beeme xx
rjnewlyn | August 16, 2010 - 22:38
Thanks Beeme!